I will love me

I do not love myself – gave me shivers and fat hot stinky sweat break.

How do I love me – a state of being that induces within me an anticipatory frisson.

I ponder on this new depth of awareness of my relationship with myself and I am thankful. Not that I categorised myself as un-selfaware, just that this is a whole new intensity of the awareness thingini that has happened, is happening. It is a new kind of power injected into me, into my life.

As I am thinking of the ways that I can love me, I think – I cannot love me if I do not know me. Who am I? Where have I come from?

I take a walk back into my past. Back to the very beginning. The beginning that I can remember, my earliest memories. Then through my different ages - different places, different people – the formative scenes that have brought me here.

Feelings. Powerful feelings. Some scenes are difficult to remember, difficult to look at evoking immense sadness, emotional pain. There are many things that I do not want to remember. Remembering is very uncomfortable. But there are also comfortable moments. These are the happy joyful moments – many of them.

It does though seem that the sadness and the happiness scales are graduated differently. They seem uncomparable. The sadness seems more intense that the happiness – and that the scales are apparently not related. I wonder how this is? Do others feel sorrow more intensely than they feel joy, as I do? I wonder on that.

Running parallel to the memories and the emotions, are questions. Especially as I come to crossroad points, key decision points, ways not taken, ways taken. Did I do the right thing? Make the right decision?

What did I do, why did I do it, what else could I have done? I look at me – my thoughts, actions, my thoughts, actions. And them – what did they say to me, why did they say it, why? What did they do to me, why did they do it, why? Said, done, said, done – to me, running through my mind.

As I look at these scenes – am I being honest? Is my ego in my way? Am I able to remove them blinkers that I wear and see truth, and not what I tell myself to see? Is this even possible? A total study of self, in guileless genuineness, to know who I am, to see me - in clarity?

Why am I even going back? Why? Because though there is nice going on, this is also showing me things about me that are not good. There is ugly and weak. Selfish and weak. Cruel and mean. In me. And others. This is too much? Too much. I can see myself too clearly. I can see them clearly too.

And it is not pretty. No sire. Not pretty.

How do I feel? I should be angry. With them. And I.

Then I think – I am not angry. At all. I have forgiven them. I have forgiven me.

With that forgiveness comes something else. An intention to focus on the pluses and not give undue attention to the minuses. There is a quote I am remembering, something about growth and something about energy flowing where focus is. So if I focus on the positives, I will get more out of me. And them.

I am going to appreciate what has brought me here, where I am, and where I am going. I am not going to ignore the uglyweaklies, because they so exist, they are a part of my life, but they will not be my focus.

I will focus on the other side of them? I will find out what is their opposite, and focus on that. The opposite of the minus is a plus. So if I can find the vertical stroke somehow, and put it on that horizontal minus stroke, the minus will be invalid. Right?

And what I cannot change? I am being honest, and yes there are things that I cannot change - because I cannot, because I just don’t want to, or perhaps some things just are meant to be and exist for as long as we shall live, as stimulating thorns in our flesh?

As for them, the rest of the world – the ones who know me best and know the best for me [hic] – what will I do with them? The ones who think I must think like them, feel like them, live like them, conform to them and the rest of the world? They are on notice – stopped – permanently. I’m telling them that I am not like you, I am not like the rest of the world. I am different. Because? I just am. They will accept it, or get out of my space. Will it cause trouble and conflict – heck yes!! Do I care – heck yes! Will I still do it – heck yes!

I am determined to love me. No matter what it takes. And I know I have what it takes - so help me my Father. I can love me. I will love me.

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