Friday, 8 January 2016

Eternity is my limit

Once upon I time [okay – in January 2015], my life changed.  I made a life shifting decision that was right for me.  I left the known, I left the old, I left the secure, I left daily humdrum.  And stepped into seemingly nothingness.  I did not have a tangible plan.  I did not have a place to go to.  A thing to do.  I just had me.  And I had to do me.

I had felt trapped for a long time.  I had been searching for a long time.  I could have done this a long time ago.  But I was doing it now.  Me, with bigger responsibilities and ties than before, but maybe they were what was moving me on?  I was terrified.  I was getting out of monotonous stifling routine, to find something else, to go someplace else.  What was this else was, I did not know. 

It was audacious.  I was looking at myself and wondering if this was the right thing to do.  But a conviction bigger than the life I was leading had set the process off.  I sat down that day, in my God’s presence, and asked for His help.  He was my safety net.  He was my plan.  My only plan.

So what was next?  I nigglingly remembered a list I made more than half a decade ago, about what I wanted to do, what I wanted to accomplish.  I didn’t need to look at it.  I knew that list.  I was that list.  I had accomplished only one item on that list – I was writing.  I had been writing for two or so years.  What about the other things on my list – were they ever going to happen? 

My disquietened spirit reminded me of what I had always known.  That there was something more for me on this earth, something more than what I was at that moment.  I knew, and I may have let it slip out at some daring moments, those moment when courage coursed my body, those bold moments where there was no doubt at all.  In those moments, I knew that I was meant to be a headliner.  Just what kind of headliner I was meant to be, I was not sure.

I called out for help, after that life altering decision.  There’s great folks who walk on this earth people, and two great girls came to my aid.  After two seemingly unfocused casual chats, one of them - miss organisation let’s get this done – told us of this lady she hears is great at doing this thing that people are doing now, but with a God twist and why don’t we just call her in to tell us what she is about.  If she says something that makes sense - good, if not, oh well, we will have a conversation piece for the next wine meet we have.

So Dorcas came into our life.  Great things come in small packages – clichéd, but true in one dimension and not the other.  I will leave you to find out which, when you meet her.

She came to give an introductory brief on what she does, to what she was told was “just a group of women trying to do something more, than just live”.  Many were invited. Five turned up.  Four remained.  We were in the right space and time for it all.  The initially planned one hour conversation, paused after 4 hours, and was to continue for a number of months.

Dorcas is amaaaaaaaaaazing!!  Amazebombs as one of the two girls says it.  How about that, she adds.  Yes how about that!!  Because meeting Dorcas has led to a three-hundred-and-sixty degree clean sweep.  A clean sweep from the inside.  Inside out total change.  Recalibrational kind of change.

She takes you through a series of classes.  And because we were a group, she also gave us individual sessions for one on one work.  It was revealingly revolutionary.  The things I found out?  Waa!!  Exciting.  And awe inducing. 

I sit sometimes and think - what if this had not happened?  What if I had not left my past behind, redirected my life, sought out help, stood in God’s presence?  But I somehow felt then and now firmly know, at the deepest core of me, that each moment of my past, has been leading to my present; just like this very moment of my present is the lead to my future.  It just is so right.  That nothing that has ever happened to me, or not happened; nothing that I have ever done, or not done, was in vain.  It was all for a purpose.

What was I meant to be, I used to ask myself.  The answer is so simple, it pinches my nose – I should have known it.  It is written in my forever heart.  It has always been there, written there at my creation, written there just waiting for me to eureka it.  My soul and physical self, have longed to be mastered by my spirit, that holds my purpose, that is the likeness of God.  To living a God conscious life.  Living His will for me.  His vision for me.  Him becoming my standard operation procedure.  GSOP!

I have faced my deepest fear.  I can speak it now - I could not have before.  It has always been there.  Hounding me, following me, the shadow of my hopeful thoughts.  It has been that I would never to find the key, that I would be constantly searching for it.  That I would never unlock my life, that I would live a thwarted life.  Like a constant self abortioning kind of situation where you die little deaths until the final one big death. That I would not come into my purpose and be what I should be, God’s headliner.

It is not going to be easy.  I know the easy road is the clichéd [I am using that word too many times – worse than using actual clichés, which I am about to do anyway] straight good intentioned paved road, coasting along fuelled by satan’s profane gas [heehee – look at that].  God’s road is hard.  Crawling weeping sweating suffering strifing hard.  Windy, boggy, down into the trenches and valleys hard.  But one things for sure, I know He’s got me.  We just have to let God, says the third girl in the quartet.  And that is the hardest element.  Letting go and letting God.  If I do let go, God will lead my feet to the  mountains and the high places.  And that is a promise.  To me.  And you.

The process is not for free, and it does has a price, and it is worth it.  How about that [an expression from one of my girls].  Yes – how about that.  Because worth is what its about.
I have not done this before.  Done me I mean.  This is the first time I am living my life.   And neither has God – done me, if you get what I am saying.  So we gota do this right.  Both of us.   He knows the deal – if I bomb he bombs, and that’s not going to happen, not on His watch.

We moving, Him and I.  My life I pray will speak of Him.  My conviction this day, my assurance this day is that eternity is my limit!

image from