Gal, before you get hitched....

·    Yeee!!  You are getting married.  Marriage is beautiful. You are in for a great ride!!  Exhilarating and thrilling.  

     Here is what I think you should know......

·         Marriage is an official arrangement.  That demands some bureaucratic process and hunting for certificates and signatures from various authorities. 

·         Parking your backside on a man’s 4x6 bed and squeezing your underwear next to his in the bag hanging off the mobile wardrobe door is not a marriage. Even if you have four children.  And it does not matter what the constitution says. 

·         Marriage happens when a man publicly stands up and says it has happened.  Until that day, you are just a woman he sexes, a woman who bears his children, but is not good enough to marry.  

·         Before you marry, you know nothing about marriage.  You have watched marriages.  You have read about it.  You have gone for pre-marriage counseling.  You still know nothing about marriage.  You will find out about marriage when you are in it, as you live it.

·         You know nothing about your man.  You have dated for 10 years. You met in on the first day of kindergarten.  You know nothing about that man you are about to hitch your life to.  Marriage will reveal him to you.  Drop jawing, mouth agape characteristics and actions.  Awesome.

·         Marriage changes everything.  Even if you have been living together for 20 years, the minute you make it official, there is an invisible paradigm shift.  I do not know what happens, but it happens.

·         In theory you know your man is not perfect.  Marriage is the practical session.  Watch and learn.  

·         You are a strong person.  That's what they told you.  They wrote it down and gave it to you.  Tear up that paper right now and get ready.  To be weak.  To cry.  Big.  Ugly.  Noisy.  Hacking.  Mucousy.  Tears.  And then some more.  You are not strong.  But you possess strength and depths that will leave you in awe of yourself.

Normal operating procedures

·         Start as you mean to go.  If you are never going to know where his socks went, never know it from day one.

·         Your man is not going to change.  Not now.  Not then.  Not ever.  Shouting, nagging, stripping.  Nada.  Get into his programme.

·         Permission is given to kids.  Unless you are a child, which then makes him a peadophile.  So “let’s talk about what you do not like.”

·         Some things are not negotiable.  Put your boundaries in place.  Draw that line.  But move it when you have to.

·         He will also have boundaries.  Respect them, if they make sense.

·         People generally treat you how you expect them to treat you.  So tell him how he should treat you.  Men are not intuitive.  You need to spell it out in black and white.  “On my birthday, I will expect a present and dinner.  Every two weeks I will expect flowers and chocolate.” Speak it!!  Then get it.

·         Some men are deaf.  So you might have to live with the hard crust on top of your “open 24 hours” tub of body cream for ever.

The status quo

·         Be patient. William Golding said “I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men, they are far superior and always have been."  You are not equal to your husband.  You are superior. Women are more hardier, more in touch with their emotions, more intuitive, better leaders, cleverer, better everything.  Yes you are superior.  But never ever tell it to him.  He will tell it to you one day.  Act surprised.  It will take him a while to come to that realization, but one day he will get there.  Be patient.   

·         He married you.  The woman.  He did not marry a wife.  Retain your identity.

·         He did not marry a chef.  If he wanted a chef in his life, he could have married the chef from Utalii.

·         Never say never.  Say now, "I will never say never".

·         You are not supper woman.  You cannot be better or more than any other woman on this earth.  So never try to be more wives and more mothers.

·         Be self sufficient.  But have a limit.  There is no way you can be expected to do some things. 

·         Make sure he knows how to do everything, and does it.  At least most of the time.

·         Ask for help.  In fact ask for help all the time, so that everyone is doing everything for you.

·         Your husband is not a deity.  His word is not law.  Neither is his wish your command.

·         He is not the most important thing in your life.  All the time.  Sometimes he will be.  Other times not.  You decide.

·         You are not joined at the hip with the man.  Get a life gal.  Go do something alone for once.

·         You will not look like that for ever.  And neither will he.  But you must forgive each other as the “hot bod” goes to pot.  

·         Please stay as you are.  If you are lean, stay lean.  If you are plus size, stay plus size.  Men hate change.  I wish you luck on this one.

·         Exercise.  For real.  It helps you maintain your sizes quo.

·         Hobbies - his included, are not your life.  So watching soccer, chama meetings and church seminars cannot replace real life.  Get involved with life.

·         You are the head honcho in chief at work, and used to being kowtowed and salaam'd all day ma’am, but at home you are a wife and mother.  Leave your ego at work.  Or at least shed it on some matatu driver on your way home.

·         You wear your vitambaras, old smelly lesos and the famed sengenge ni ngombe t-shirt, if it turns you on.  Torn clothes are a total turnoff though.  Mend your clothes.

Emotions, feelings and opinions

·         Love is a decision you make.  It is not a feeling.  So make that decision every day.

·         Gentleness begets gentleness.  Bitch gets bitched back.

·         Marriage is for the gentle.  Not the hard headed and stone hearted.

·         The honeymoon will end.  Quite unexpectedly, I assure you.

·         You will disagree.  Accept it.  Embrace it.  Then solve it.

·         You will discover you have laid down on a bed or roses - petals and thorns, beautiful scents and pinpricks.

·         Marriage can become a bloody battleground.  Unless you sheath your razor tongue and pocket your fists.

·         Run your mouth and you will run your husband out of the door (*stolen)

·         You will take out your stress on your husband.  He will take out his stress on you.  Pause and let the stress wave slide away over you.  It has nothing to do with you.  And tell him your stress has nothing to do with him.

·         Communication is a lifestyle.  Live it.

·         Condoms in his pocket are just that - condoms in his pocket.  Get the story first before you sum up one plus one to be five.

·         There are moments or days you will dislike him.  Intensely.  Bile spitting cannot swallow saliva nausea inducing hate.  Then it will go.

·         You knew you signed in for the long haul.  That you could go the distance.  That you could take it all.  But no one ever told you that you might have to be more efficient in taking more crap than a digester tank.

·         Silent treatment is part of your arsenal, and look how well that team is doing.

·         Set your boiling point at 1000°C.

·         Men are strong.  Even the tiniest itsy bitsy one.  Do not engage in any physical confrontation unless the horizontal type.  Or you are a Yokozuna kinda size.

·         You are not a punching bag.  And neither are you Congestina.  So cut out the hulk mentality.  Plus fighting never helped anyone.  Ever.  Ask Hitler and likeminded people.

·         He will cry.  If he does in front of you, you will be aghast.  I tell you, that you should thank your lucky stars and praise him.  That is a man.

Sex and Intimacy

·         Euphoric love ends.  The humdrum of everyday life kills it.  You must find something to bring love back.  If you did not get married to your friend, you best become friends now.

·         Your sex life will slow down.  And change.  Children.  Work.  Stress.  Boredom.  Whatever, but it will change.

·         Sex is an obligation.  If you doubt that, tell yourself to wait and meet your 10 years older self.

·         Date you husband.  Schedule dates.  Sometimes that is the only thing that will work.  Then you might have a full conversation and might get romantically inclined. 

·         Have sex dates too.  Yes - a time will come, probably less than 10 years away, when sex will have to be planned.

·         All types of sex is all right.  So long as you both agree.  And there is no coercion and you are not both sickos.

·         Sex tapes are forbidden.  Unless you are a socialiting baytock.  Plus you have no children and never plan to have them; coz they will one day find them, just as you found your mothers Joy of Sex and shared it with the neighbourhood.  And the internet never forgets.

·         Using sex to manipulate a man will eventually fail.  But you keep on trying.  You might be the first one to get it right.

For better, for worse

·         For better or for worse means exactly that.  That statement is even phrased right.  The better comes first.  Then the worse.  You best copy paste the better again into your future if you want to survive marriage.

·         They should change "worse" to "illness".  A sick man can try the Mother of God.

·         If worse checks in, you may want to leave.  Don't issue threats.  Threats are for sissies.  If you are going, just pack and disappear.  Or better still, park his bags and deliver then to the security guard at his office.  Only foolish women leave their homes.  Especially over non-issues.  Unless you are in physical danger, stay put.  Or depressed – then you better check yourself into a hospital.

Prayer

·          Pray for him.

·         Pray with him.

·         Pray for him again.

·         Even if you think he is the spawn of an unmentionable.  And you do not have the mouth with which to speak his name.  Just pray.  You do not need to mention his name.  Just ask God to deal him.

Babies

·         Babies are a plus.  If you do not have them, you will still be married.  Your marriage is between you and your husband.  Remember that.

·         Any man can impregnate a woman.  Raising kids makes him a father.

·         Babies will change your life.  And his.  And your marriage.  Make sure you parent together.  That way it will make a similar change in both your lives.   And not just yours.

·         Parenting belongs to both of you.  Actually more so the man. The kids use his name don't they?  Usually they do anyway.

·         Be glad when the babies is learning how to speak and says "baba" first.  As they scream it out in the middle of the night, prod him out of sleep and tell him, the baby is calling you.

Families

·         His family is his family.  Never will they become yours.  Ever.  Period.

·         The mother in love is a fable, created by his mother to lull you into unsuspicious state of mind before the final assault.  Unless she really is a good woman.  They exist.

·         Deal with your family drama.  And let him deal with his family drama.  Until it comes to the point where it no longer matters that he knows that, your uncle Bob could be the neighbours father, and your grandmother's sister was a streetwalker way back when she was young and you sometimes think it was not the sister alone *shrug.  But anyway.

Decision making

·         Your husband is the head of the household.  You are not the neck.  You are the brain inside the head of household’s head.  What you think should become his original idea.

·         Support him in all endevours. The ones that you think make sense.

Finances

·         Your money is yours.  If it is still yours when he is retrenched and broke, you are the backside of a worn out 70s platform.

·         So what if you make the most money. Who cares?  You think you are now the more married one?

·         Finances are a discussion topic.  Do not wait for his death to be surprised - that is if he dies before you.  And yes death happens.  Talk about it.  Flowers or no flowers at the funeral?

Work

·         Never ever ever call his boss.  Even if she is the other woman.  Even if now is tomorrow and he did not come home yesterday.  You will need him to have an income if you demand child support.

Legal issues

·         You may want to change your last name.  It is a lot of paper work.  There are people who offer such like facilitation services for a fee.  Find them.

·         If you do not want to change your name, take his last name, or minus it to yours, you will have to answer a lot of questions.  Questions on tradition, commitment, respect, family with three different surnames, and the from the confused bank teller. 

·         If not changing your last name disturbs him, it will disturb you too.

Leisure and holidays

·         Laugh.  Together.  At each other.  At others.

·         Please keep your individual interests alive.

·         Have one activity that he does not understand and does not want to get involved in at all.

·         Go for that holiday with your sisters or galfriends or mother.

·         Go on holiday alone.  Take a break alone.  From everything.  Including him.  It’s true – absence makes the heart grow fonder.

·         Go to his mothers for lunch every Sunday or holiday if you want to.  But remember you might also want to go to your mothers.  If this does not work, get the mothers to come to your house.

·         Or not.  Start your own tradition of not going or having anyone over at all on any Sunday or holiday.

Exs and history

·         Leave your ex and their baggage at the door of marriage.  Actually, on the outside of the door.

·         All men are not dogs.  You are not married to your mongrel dogging cheating lying bastard ex.

·         Beware of old flames - you could set your marriage on fire (*stolen).

Friends and the world

·         Good marriages are a communicable syndrome - surround yourself with those in them.

·         What other people say about your man and your marriage is their own delicious and juicy business. Not yours.

·         If you have “sat” on him, continue doing so, coz they certainly cannot help you do so.  His head is only so wide, and can only accommodate one set of buttocks.  Take a perchie.

·         Your friends are valid.  And so are his. If he can put up with your squeaky pal Sheeshee from baby class, you can put up with his womanizing uncooth tout-like lout of a friend.  So long as they do not interfering with your marriage.

·         Listen to the aunties and the relationship gurus.  Listen to me.  Watch Bill and the Real Husbands and Wives of somewhere or the other on E!  But just make up your own mind.

·         Facebook is not a counseling portal.  And to be honest I have never met a stranger more twisted kind of group psychology, or should I say psychosis then that which exists there.

·         You injure your marriage and your husband when you degrade him, especially on social media.  Just "ask for a friend".

·         Know your frenemies.  Keep them close.  And tell them nothing.

·         You must have single friends.  They are available to help sate those wild bingy feelings that come up on a random Monday evening and lead to wild uninhibited rolly-polly fun.

·         You must have married friends.  They know exactly where you are at gal, and will get it.  If at least just to lend an ear and empathise.

Death

·         Please tell him what you want done to your body when you die.

·         And ask him what he wants done to his.

·         Better still put it in writing.

Home and help in the house

·         Keep a good home.  It is your home madam.  Fact.  And things like equality and emancipation are political and economic concepts - I reiterate you leave those at the door as you walk into your home.  “She” keeps the home.  Period.

·         Your help in the house is not your friend.  Treat them with respect and let them stay in their place.   Yes they have a place and this concept is not discrimination.  Don't you have your place at your workplace?

Fights

·         Fights are good.  They clear the air.  Fight fair.  And don’t be mean.

Bad habits

·         Those things that he does that drive you bananas.  Rubbing eyes endlessly, licking lips, zubbing with mouth open, rubbing own leg, strange mouth sounds, whatever - will bring about a thousand deaths over your married years.  Choose life.

Bathroom

·         To share or not to share.  The bathroom functions I mean – unless you have a his and hers bathroom.  Different strokes for different folks.  Choose what works for you.

·         Wash is undies if it floats your boat.

Manners

·         Don’t be manner-less.  Familiarity should never ever breed contraire of manners.

·         Though I feel the gas thing is yet to be resolved.

Privacy and secrets

·         Its okay to have them.  Believe me he has some.

·         Remember though that everything done in darkness sooner or later comes into the light.

Overall

Your husband should make you a better person.  Either because you emulate him or because you’ve been through hell and back and it has made you a better person.  Either way - you win!!