· Yeee!! You are getting married. Marriage is beautiful. You are in for a great ride!! Exhilarating and thrilling.
Here is what I think you should know......
Here is what I think you should know......
·
Marriage is an official
arrangement. That demands some
bureaucratic process and hunting for certificates and signatures from various
authorities.
·
Parking your backside on
a man’s 4x6 bed and squeezing your underwear next to his in the bag hanging off
the mobile wardrobe door is not a marriage. Even if you have four
children. And it does not matter what the
constitution says.
·
Marriage happens when a
man publicly stands up and says it has happened. Until that day, you are just a woman he sexes,
a woman who bears his children, but is not good enough to marry.
·
Before you marry, you
know nothing about marriage. You have
watched marriages. You have read about
it. You have gone for pre-marriage
counseling. You still know nothing about
marriage. You will find out about
marriage when you are in it, as you live it.
·
You know nothing about
your man. You have dated for 10 years.
You met in on the first day of kindergarten.
You know nothing about that man you are about to hitch your life to. Marriage will reveal him to you. Drop jawing, mouth agape characteristics and
actions. Awesome.
·
Marriage changes
everything. Even if you have been living
together for 20 years, the minute you make it official, there is an invisible
paradigm shift. I do not know what
happens, but it happens.
·
In theory you know your
man is not perfect. Marriage is the
practical session. Watch and learn.
·
You are a strong person.
That's what they told you. They wrote it down and gave it to you. Tear up that paper right now and get ready. To be weak.
To cry. Big. Ugly.
Noisy. Hacking. Mucousy. Tears. And then some more. You are not strong. But you possess strength and depths that will leave
you in awe of yourself.
Normal operating
procedures
·
Start as you mean to
go. If you are never going to know where
his socks went, never know it from day one.
·
Your man is not going to
change. Not now. Not then.
Not ever. Shouting, nagging,
stripping. Nada. Get into his programme.
·
Permission is given to
kids. Unless you are a child, which then
makes him a peadophile. So “let’s talk
about what you do not like.”
·
Some things are not
negotiable. Put your boundaries in
place. Draw that line. But move it when you have to.
·
He will also have
boundaries. Respect them, if they make
sense.
·
People generally treat
you how you expect them to treat you. So
tell him how he should treat you. Men
are not intuitive. You need to spell it
out in black and white. “On my birthday,
I will expect a present and dinner.
Every two weeks I will expect flowers and chocolate.” Speak it!! Then get it.
·
Some men are deaf. So you might have to live with the hard crust
on top of your “open 24 hours” tub of body cream for ever.
The status quo
·
Be patient. William
Golding said “I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men, they
are far superior and always have been."
You are not equal to your husband.
You are superior. Women are more hardier, more in touch with their
emotions, more intuitive, better leaders, cleverer, better everything. Yes you are superior. But never ever tell it to him. He will tell it to you one day. Act surprised. It will take him a while to come to that
realization, but one day he will get there.
Be patient.
·
He married you. The woman. He did not marry a wife. Retain your identity.
·
He did not marry a
chef. If he wanted a chef in his life,
he could have married the chef from Utalii.
·
Never say never. Say now, "I will never say never".
·
You are not supper
woman. You cannot be better or more than
any other woman on this earth. So never
try to be more wives and more mothers.
·
Be self sufficient. But have a limit. There is no way you can be expected to do
some things.
·
Make sure he knows how
to do everything, and does it. At least
most of the time.
·
Ask for help. In fact ask for help all the time, so that
everyone is doing everything for you.
·
Your husband is not a
deity. His word is not law. Neither is his wish your command.
·
He is not the most
important thing in your life. All the
time. Sometimes he will be. Other times not. You decide.
·
You are not joined at
the hip with the man. Get a life gal. Go do something alone for once.
·
You will not look like
that for ever. And neither will he. But you must forgive each other as the “hot
bod” goes to pot.
·
Please stay as you
are. If you are lean, stay lean. If you are plus size, stay plus size. Men hate change. I wish you luck on this one.
·
Exercise. For real.
It helps you maintain your sizes quo.
·
Hobbies - his included,
are not your life. So watching soccer,
chama meetings and church seminars cannot replace real life. Get involved with life.
·
You are the head honcho
in chief at work, and used to being kowtowed and salaam'd all day ma’am, but at
home you are a wife and mother. Leave
your ego at work. Or at least shed it on
some matatu driver on your way home.
·
You wear your
vitambaras, old smelly lesos and the famed sengenge ni ngombe t-shirt, if it
turns you on. Torn clothes are a total
turnoff though. Mend your clothes.
Emotions, feelings and
opinions
·
Love is a decision you
make. It is not a feeling. So make that decision every day.
·
Gentleness begets
gentleness. Bitch gets bitched back.
·
Marriage is for the
gentle. Not the hard headed and
stone hearted.
·
The honeymoon will
end. Quite unexpectedly, I assure you.
·
You will disagree. Accept it. Embrace it.
Then solve it.
·
You will discover you
have laid down on a bed or roses - petals and thorns, beautiful scents and
pinpricks.
·
Marriage can become a
bloody battleground. Unless you sheath
your razor tongue and pocket your fists.
·
Run your mouth and you
will run your husband out of the door (*stolen)
·
You will take out your
stress on your husband. He will take out
his stress on you. Pause and let the
stress wave slide away over you. It has
nothing to do with you. And tell him
your stress has nothing to do with him.
·
Communication is a
lifestyle. Live it.
·
Condoms in his pocket
are just that - condoms in his pocket. Get the story first before you sum up one plus
one to be five.
·
There are moments or
days you will dislike him. Intensely. Bile spitting cannot swallow saliva nausea
inducing hate. Then it will go.
·
You knew you signed in
for the long haul. That you could go the
distance. That you could take it all. But no one ever told you that
you might have to be more efficient in taking more crap than a digester tank.
·
Silent treatment is part
of your arsenal, and look how well that team is doing.
·
Set your boiling point
at 1000°C.
·
Men are strong. Even the tiniest itsy bitsy one. Do not engage in any physical confrontation
unless the horizontal type. Or you are a
Yokozuna kinda size.
·
You are not a punching
bag. And neither are you Congestina. So cut out the hulk mentality. Plus fighting never helped anyone. Ever. Ask
Hitler and likeminded people.
·
He will cry. If he does in front of you, you will be aghast.
I tell you, that you should thank your
lucky stars and praise him. That is a
man.
Sex and Intimacy
·
Euphoric love ends. The humdrum of everyday life kills it. You must find something to bring love back. If you did not get married to your friend,
you best become friends now.
·
Your sex life will slow
down. And change. Children.
Work. Stress. Boredom.
Whatever, but it will change.
·
Sex is an
obligation. If you doubt that, tell
yourself to wait and meet your 10 years older self.
·
Date you husband. Schedule dates. Sometimes that is the only thing that will
work. Then you might have a full
conversation and might get romantically inclined.
·
Have sex dates too. Yes - a time will come, probably less than 10
years away, when sex will have to be planned.
·
All types of sex is all
right. So long as you both agree. And there is no coercion and you are not both
sickos.
·
Sex tapes are
forbidden. Unless you are a socialiting
baytock. Plus you have no children and
never plan to have them; coz they will one day find them, just as you found
your mothers Joy of Sex and shared it with the neighbourhood. And the internet never forgets.
·
Using sex to manipulate
a man will eventually fail. But you keep
on trying. You might be the first one to
get it right.
For better, for worse
·
For better or for worse
means exactly that. That statement is
even phrased right. The better comes
first. Then the worse. You best copy paste the better again into
your future if you want to survive marriage.
·
They should change
"worse" to "illness".
A sick man can try the Mother of God.
·
If worse checks in, you
may want to leave. Don't issue
threats. Threats are for sissies. If you are going, just pack and disappear. Or better still, park his bags and deliver
then to the security guard at his office.
Only foolish women leave their homes.
Especially over non-issues.
Unless you are in physical danger, stay put. Or depressed – then you better check yourself
into a hospital.
Prayer
·
Pray for him.
·
Pray with him.
·
Pray for him again.
·
Even if you think he is
the spawn of an unmentionable. And you
do not have the mouth with which to speak his name. Just pray.
You do not need to mention his name. Just ask God to deal him.
Babies
·
Babies are a plus. If you do not have them, you will still be
married. Your marriage is between you
and your husband. Remember that.
·
Any man can impregnate a
woman. Raising kids makes him a father.
·
Babies will change your
life. And his. And your marriage. Make sure you parent together. That way it will make a similar change in
both your lives. And not just yours.
·
Parenting belongs to both
of you. Actually more so the man. The
kids use his name don't they? Usually
they do anyway.
·
Be glad when the babies
is learning how to speak and says "baba" first. As they scream it out in the middle of the
night, prod him out of sleep and tell him, the baby is calling you.
Families
·
His family is his
family. Never will they become yours. Ever. Period.
·
The mother in love is a
fable, created by his mother to lull you into unsuspicious state of mind before
the final assault. Unless she really is
a good woman. They exist.
·
Deal with your family
drama. And let him deal with his family
drama. Until it comes to the point where
it no longer matters that he knows that, your uncle Bob could be the neighbours
father, and your grandmother's sister was a streetwalker way back when she was
young and you sometimes think it was not the sister alone *shrug. But anyway.
Decision making
·
Your husband is the head
of the household. You are not the
neck. You are the brain inside the head of household’s head. What
you think should become his original idea.
·
Support him in all
endevours. The ones that you think make sense.
Finances
·
Your money is yours. If it is still yours when he is retrenched and
broke, you are the backside of a worn out 70s platform.
·
So what if you make the
most money. Who cares? You think you are
now the more married one?
·
Finances are a
discussion topic. Do not wait for his
death to be surprised - that is if he dies before you. And yes death happens. Talk about it. Flowers or no flowers at the funeral?
Work
·
Never ever ever call his
boss. Even if she is the other woman. Even if now is tomorrow and he did not come
home yesterday. You will need him to
have an income if you demand child support.
Legal issues
·
You may want to change
your last name. It is a lot of paper work. There are people who offer such like
facilitation services for a fee. Find
them.
·
If you do not want to
change your name, take his last name, or minus it to yours, you will have to
answer a lot of questions. Questions on
tradition, commitment, respect, family with three different surnames, and the from
the confused bank teller.
·
If not changing your
last name disturbs him, it will disturb you too.
Leisure and holidays
·
Laugh. Together.
At each other. At others.
·
Please keep your individual
interests alive.
·
Have one activity that
he does not understand and does not want to get involved in at all.
·
Go for that holiday with
your sisters or galfriends or mother.
·
Go on holiday
alone. Take a break alone. From everything. Including him. It’s true – absence makes the heart grow
fonder.
·
Go to his mothers for
lunch every Sunday or holiday if you want to.
But remember you might also want to go to your mothers. If this does not work, get the mothers to
come to your house.
·
Or not. Start your own tradition of not going or
having anyone over at all on any Sunday or holiday.
Exs and history
·
Leave your ex and their baggage
at the door of marriage. Actually, on
the outside of the door.
·
All men are not dogs. You are not married to your mongrel dogging
cheating lying bastard ex.
·
Beware of old flames -
you could set your marriage on fire (*stolen).
Friends and the world
·
Good marriages are a communicable
syndrome - surround yourself with those in them.
·
What other people say
about your man and your marriage is their own delicious and juicy business. Not
yours.
·
If you have “sat” on
him, continue doing so, coz they certainly cannot help you do so. His head is only so wide, and can only
accommodate one set of buttocks. Take a
perchie.
·
Your friends are valid. And so are his. If he can put up with your squeaky
pal Sheeshee from baby class, you can put up with his womanizing uncooth tout-like
lout of a friend. So long as they do not
interfering with your marriage.
·
Listen to the aunties
and the relationship gurus. Listen to
me. Watch Bill and the Real Husbands and
Wives of somewhere or the other on E! But just make up your own mind.
·
Facebook is not a
counseling portal. And to be honest I
have never met a stranger more twisted kind of group psychology, or should I
say psychosis then that which exists there.
·
You injure your marriage
and your husband when you degrade him, especially on social media. Just "ask for a friend".
·
Know your frenemies. Keep them close. And tell them nothing.
·
You must have single
friends. They are available to help sate
those wild bingy feelings that come up on a random Monday evening and lead to
wild uninhibited rolly-polly fun.
·
You must have married
friends. They know exactly where you are
at gal, and will get it. If at least
just to lend an ear and empathise.
Death
·
Please tell him what you
want done to your body when you die.
·
And ask him what he
wants done to his.
·
Better still put it in
writing.
Home and help in the
house
·
Keep a good home. It is your home madam. Fact.
And things like equality and emancipation are political and economic
concepts - I reiterate you leave those at the door as you walk into your home. “She” keeps the home. Period.
·
Your help in the house is
not your friend. Treat them with respect
and let them stay in their place. Yes they have a place and this concept is not discrimination.
Don't you have your place at your workplace?
Fights
·
Fights are good. They clear the air. Fight fair.
And don’t be mean.
Bad habits
·
Those things that he
does that drive you bananas. Rubbing
eyes endlessly, licking lips, zubbing with mouth open, rubbing own leg,
strange mouth sounds, whatever - will bring about a thousand deaths over your married years. Choose life.
Bathroom
·
To share or not to
share. The bathroom functions I mean –
unless you have a his and hers bathroom.
Different strokes for different folks.
Choose what works for you.
·
Wash is undies if it
floats your boat.
Manners
·
Don’t be manner-less. Familiarity should never
ever breed contraire of manners.
·
Though I feel the gas
thing is yet to be resolved.
Privacy and secrets
·
Its okay to have
them. Believe me he has some.
·
Remember though that everything
done in darkness sooner or later comes into the light.
Overall
Your husband should make
you a better person. Either because you
emulate him or because you’ve been through hell and back and it has made you a
better person. Either way - you win!!