Friday, 12 January 2018

Resistance to God

About God - why am I stubborn?  Why do I not obey?  Comply? I keep on asking myself this.  And
keep on not finding the answer.

Not the commandments.  Those are clear.  Thou shall, thou shalt not.  And yes – I flounder even in those – but I am not talking about the commandments now.

I’m talking about the other things, the clear nudgings, the loud messages that come to me from God.  In all manner of ways.

Why do I not obey?  What is obedience?  Submission, “the action of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person”.  Will or authority of God.  Accepting that His wisdom for me is sufficient, His provision for action is sufficient?  That His grace is sufficient? Trusting God? 

Easy words to say.  But how to action them?  Consciously and consistently?

I know submission to Gods way leads to experiences God’s will in my life.  To the living of His planned purpose for me.  His thoughts are not my thoughts, nor his ways my ways, for His are higher than mine [Isaiah 55:8-9]. 

The opposite of obedience.  Disobedience.  Sin.  Is that what I have?  Lucifer, the archangel, the bearer of light, the son of God, fell and became satan – the adversary.  He had that prideful bit that told him that he was mighty and wonderful and he did not have to obey anyone, let alone this so called creator.  Eve too, wanted to will be like God, all-knowing.  Do I have a little of this unsophisticated foolishness, of thinking that the whole key to my life lies in me, myself and I?  An arrogant part of me, that tells me I am all that plus more.  I really should submit myself to God, to enable me to resist the devil [James 4:7].

Or do I hesitate to obey, because I know that submission to God’s will in my life, to His calling will cost me.  That it will hurt.  Will be painful.  A plucking out of the earthly human part of me.  A death to self?  Painful.  I know that the more I will walk into that pain, that struggle, the more I will gain.  For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain [Phillipians 1:21].  And a mind that is on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot [Romans 8:7]

I know submission to God is obedience to this purpose.  I know that in submission to Him, comes the confirmation of my next step in this plan.  In the right direction.  That in this submission is my key to unity with him.  In it is that peace, which surpasses all understanding.  In it is the removal of this resistance - resistance to God.

Wednesday, 27 December 2017

Life left, Left life

image from
She is gone
You said her time was up
Her lease expired

She left the day you looked at your past
And told it the cliché
My past does not define me

She left the day you shouted down the urging
That whispered that life was large
That there must be more than this

She left the day you refused to acknowledge
That the past was hurt
And had a hold on you

She left in that instance
And your past became your now
And you embraced it

She left the moment
Your past became your future
And you received it

She left the day you acquiesced yourself
To not seeking
To not healing

The instance
That you died
While you still lived

She did not go softly
She fought and pleaded
But you were determined

You unthreaded her slowly
In action and in deed
From the weft and warp of your being

Piece by piece into the bin
Smaller and smaller she became
Then just a smudge

You dusted off your hand
Glad for a job well done
Thinking this was right for you

That it was the best way forward
The only way you could remain
And live with who you were

You had weighed the two pains
And chose the familiar

You shrunk from looking into you
Fearing self revelation
Would ruin you

You’d chosen blindness to self
For you believed the truth
Wouldn’t set you free

Better to just let it be
Easier on the I
Cheaper too

Change has a high asking price
The charge quoted in pain currency
And you cannot afford it

Better to be here with the familiar
It is not as bad as it looks
And you know how it works

Better to stay here
Master of your shoreline
Than to move to unchartered parts

I’m doing this out of love
For you and all of us
The voice soothes

Lets not recall
Or resolve

There is nothing to reflect on
Learn or gain anyway
The past has no influence

Influence your outlook
Your attitudes
Your perceptions?

Influence your decisions
Your actions
Your relationships?

It happened, it’s done
It ‘s dead, it’s buried

You have today to live
You just live it
You are good

It is not your fault
Things and people
Just happened to you

You just keep moving
You have now to do
And the rest of your nows

The voice tells you
That it is okay
Just keep on

You never question the voice
Never recognise
That it is fear

The urging always responds
A murmur
Up through the fear

Never listened to
Pushed away

You redeem its place to vices
That take control of you
And dim any need for choice

You seek self preservation
Of current status quo
Of yourself and all you hold dear

You choose a treadmill life
Expending effort going nowhere
Seeking nothing gaining nothing

You gave negligence your life
Created undefined frustration
And perpetual dissatisfaction

The niggling
To stop and seek

You suppress it
In fear

You wish it was not too late
To go back

Too late to leap out of the playback loop
Too far along the path of time
Too late

For now
Is singular
Lives alone

And yet the urge
Pushes you options
Defines them

The pain of regret

The pain of change

A choice
Life left
Left life

Monday, 4 December 2017

It’s all about me

image from
They - the world, keep on telling me, that it is not about me.  That it is about the people in my life, my interactions and relationships.  It’s about others.  That I should view them as more important than I. And that making it all about me is the height of selfishness and egocentricity.

But, I recently had a conversation with someone, and subsequently sat in the audience for a sermon, and the message was the reverse – It is all about me.  My life is about me, my actions are about me, and what I am doing is about me.  It is all about me.

One view point must be right, and the other wrong.  Or could both be right.  A conundrous situation that.  And could there be too, a third prism?  That third part - I am not going to even entertain.

So - two sides, to it.  A coin.  With one side about me, and the other not about me?  Double sided me.  Within the width transverse of me the coin, where is the demarcation between it “being about me”, and it “not being about me”?

Let me think this through.  Others matter – in relation to me.  Which does align to my perception on the order of life; God – Me – Spouse – Child – Family – Others.  Which many have disputed when I have articulated it in to them, but that’s all right.  I don’t seek for agreement in any, let alone all my opinions.  Unless you plan to be a fixture in my life, and then I require you to agree to all my crucial opinions.  And this one, on the order of life - is an important one.  And we are not discussing it or agreeing to disagree.  It’s my way only.

So that part gets a tick on it being all about me.  Me before you.  Me before everyone else.  Apart from God.  It is about me.  What I think.  And what I want.  What I choose.  What I do.  

So if it is all about God, then me, where does that leave others?  Especially those who I know are better persons than me?   I know who I am, what I am.  I am full of vices and iniquities, a far far second to godliness.  My default setting is vice and inequity.  Or so I think.  Wrong is easier, and funner, as my child would say, than virtue and saintliness.  And the fact that there are better people than I, who should rightfully come before me in the greater scheme of things – means I’m in a quandary.  I am not sure how to proceed. 

It all doesn’t sit well with me.  Because somewhere deep within me, I know that the totally selfish and egocentric self is not right.  It is an easy place.  But it is where my mind, will and emotions, ergo my soul, want to stay.  Too easy.  My heart doesn’t like it.  My heart speaks.  Of something bigger, grander, and certainly knows, that what it speaks of is not easy. 

My heart knows, because it is God’s.  Because I am created in the likeness, in the image of God.  I am of His spirit, and my spirit, seeks to return to Him, partake of my share in Him, and not just be me.  Not just be full of me.

Have you ever heard of the anecdote about the jar, filled progressively with first stones, then pebbles, then sand, then water?  At each filling, it appears full, and then after a shake, can still take the subsequent item and the next of a lesser bulk.  I’m full of stones.  Rubbish?  But I think that space can still be found for some pebbles?  Some sand?  Water?  Some good stuff? 

Me – in all my full human stony weakness.  Can be filled with some good stuff?  I know there is room.  I know that the stones can be smothered.  Shrunk? And disappeared?  That I can be turned into a being of strengths and virtues as I get filled up with the love of the Father, with the grace of my Saviour, plus the fellowship of the Holy Spirit?  And I take on a new appearance?  The stones decrease in volume, and the good stuff rises in presence?  In my being?  My thoughts?  And actions?

Then it ceases to become all about me.  And becomes about God in me.  It’s not all about me.

Monday, 30 October 2017

Woman - Keeping

image from Pinterest
I'm keeping you
My mother
My sister
My daughter

We are together
Not just for a reason
Or a time
But for life

Pendulum-ing sometimes
In and out of my life
And at each incoming
Is like you were never away
Back to our sameness

You remind me time and time again
That every woman has a story
Characters and instances changing
The struggle is the same
I bear witness to this

I watch you in struggle
Grow into the you I have already seen
And I am glad
I am a part
Of your becoming

I worry about you
When things are not right with you
And wonder if you worry about you too
Or me
Or not

I pray for you
I know you pray for me
Because I get answers
To prayers I have not prayed
Or yet to pray

I love you
No matter what
No matter when
No matter why who where how
Or if

Because of love I forgive
When you have not been kind
When you have not offered a hand
When you have spoken when you should not have
When you have kept your silence when you should not have

You forgive
For real and imagined wrongs
For untended slights
For deliberate hurts
For everything

I call you out
And tell you off
Because I must
For I am your keeper
Like no other

I love you woman.
I may have never told it to you before
Because of my own limitations
Self imposed
Or not

But I am saying it now
I love you
You and you and you
My friend

You woman
You keeper
So long as providence allows
And the God of you and I
Keeps us

Woman – Leaving

image from Twitter
Though I am invested in you
And I know you have done the same
I have had to let you go
Or gone myself

I have to let you go
Your reason is complete
Our stay is ended
Out of my life
And my journey’s space

I have to let you go
You add no value to me now
Or I to you
Our time is off

Looking back sometimes I see
Albeit at times I cannot recognise
The point at which our steps diverged
To allow for singular movement
Without the other

I will keep you in my heart
And once in a while
Pull you out
In nostalgic remembrance
Of the good

The unending conversation
Truest exchanges
The story shared
Deep into the night
And forever lasting phone call

The unbridled laughter
Spontaneous tears
Of our souls
Without reserve

I will remember too
The call placed in times of strife
Never mind the hour
Or the place
And the immediate response

I will remember us
The care
The love
The concern
The presence

I will remember
Of finding out things
That I should not have known
That I was not supposed to have known
That did not appear when we were learning us

The secrets
That you hold for me
That I know for you
That silently repose
Never to be remembered again

I will miss that no one will get some things
Within a word, a look, an occurrence
Because you alone were there
Our private party line

Longing will haunt me
For that synchronic sharing
Of attributes and interests
Innate compatibility
Cosmos simpatico

I always will wonder though
How did it change
How did it end
Did it have to change
Did it have to end

I will wonder too sometimes
If it was equal
If you got from me what I got from you
Or if one of us was short changed
For then or for the future

I will struggle to make meaning
Of your sojourn in my life
Knowing for a while there
It was seemingly all clear
And then not enough

I will wish that we could meet up again
In the future unknown
And go back to before the letting go
To live those moments
Once again

Most of all
I wish you well woman of my heart
For yesterday
And most of all
For our separate today and tomorrow

Woman - Supporting

image from

You have been a mainstay in my life
In the ups and ups
Downs and still lower downs 
Sometimes abetting

I have to fess up
I haven’t always told the truth
And I wonder if you’ve known
To let it be
Because you already knew

I have lied to you
Undoubtedly in thought
In a looking glance or none at all
By omission in silence and inaction
Deliberately in word and deed

I have lied to you
To shield you from hurt
Or to shield myself
I’ve known not which
Because sometimes the truth would not serve

I have let some lies live
And killed others
When their lyingness was done
Or they were not enough
For the truth was better

I’ve hurt you
By accident
And in shame deliberately
And seen its harm
And I am sorry

I have quarrelled
With you
For you
And for me
Apologised and forgiven

I am glad when you succeed
I applaud
Grateful to be present
To witness in your joy
To share in your achievement

I look to you
Your thoughts and opinions
Are of value to me
Your views and estimations
They matter to me

You give you to me
In time and advice
Action and feat
In times of need
Fears and distress

You seek for what is good for me
Opportunities and ideas
Cheer my schemes
Hold me accountable
Praise me for achievements

You chide me out of doldrums
And hurry me up along
A heave when I need it
Getting me out of a rut
Setting me on to the path again

You tender my failures
Wait for me through my denial
Never an “I told you so”
But educate me the lessons
And what to carry from there with me

Sometimes you are there
Occasionally you are not
Oft times I turn to you
Now and then you seek me out
A constant

Because even in your absence
I know that you hold me up
In prayer
And in hope

What more need I

Woman – Learning

image from
Your pains
Your sorrows
Your agonies
I’ve been there
I know them

Your joys
Your happiness
Your gladness
And peace
I live them

Your dreams
Your desires
Your wishes
And aspirations
I hope them

Your values and beliefs
What matters most to you
Makes you tick and drives you
In different degrees of instances
Is me

You are me woman
In different degrees
That I do not understand
You are a reflection
Of myself for myself

I recognise you
I identify with you
So similar to me
On the inside
So different on the outside

Still unfamiliar
New twists and nuances
For both of us

Becoming is a process