Tuesday, 26 November 2013

I cry I laugh - simultaneous

Can Botox stunt your emotional expression?In situations that profoundly touch me, I am either ecstatically happy, or woefully depressed.  And the emotion I experience is based on how I perceive what has happened - yes?

Normal expects that, I should be sad after a tragedy, but can I be ecstatically happy too?  Normal expects that, I should be glad when something good has occurred, but can I be woefully miserable after good things have happened?

Who knows – depends on my perception right?

What about things that are a mix?  Things that create emotions that are simultaneously resident at both the extreme ends?  Things that are soo funny yet soo sad?  Or soo woeful horrible but yet hilarious?   Is that possible?

Things that strike me as comical but when I view and examine them from another perspective, think about them just a wee bit longer, send tears sliding from my eyes?

Things that are soo achy, that as my mental fingers fiddle and worry them, produce such a satisfying soreness that can only be contenting?

It happens sometimes.  I undergo such extreme emotions in one instance, or in such close instances, that it seems that the extremity of the emotion should cancel each other out?  Like a neutral point - between a positive and a negative?

Is a neutral emotion a midpoint emotion?  What is the midpoint of crying and laughing?  A midpoint of two extreme emotions?  Is it being unemotional?  Unfeeling?  No strong feelings?

What is the opposite of emotion?  What is the antonym of emotion?

Unemotion?  Unemotional?  Unemoting?  Emotionless?  Unfeeling?  Antifeeling? Emotionlessness?

Emotion RegulationWhat is the feeling of two extreme emotions in the same instance? Dual-emotion? Twin-emotion? Twofold-emotion? So, could I be a person who has dual-emotions?  A dual-emotional person?  A dual-emotioned person?

What if I add a third feeling?  A trio emotion causing situation?

 images from; http://blog.southeastpsych.com 

Friday, 22 November 2013

The unlost years

Lost directions?

Looking back I see my lost years, where I lived but was unalive – is that a word?.  Where I was present but absent.  I wonder to myself - where was I, who was I and am I the same person now I was then.

I think to myself, that I did not know who I was.  I think that I did not know who I had been, before I did not know who I was. 

I think that I did not know where I was.  I think that I did not know where I had been, before I did not know where I was.

I think I blocked off who I had been, and where I was coming from.  Decided not to remember yesterday and the day before that from my beginning.  So that this helped in me not knowing where I was going.

It helped in not knowing when tomorrow would be, and where tomorrow would be.  It helped in not knowing if there was even a tomorrow.

Lost in a fog, and unknowing that I was in a fog, let alone knowing what a fog was or what fogged me up.

A fog within myself, around myself, helping me hide from myself, by compartmentising my life, into bits and pieces.  So that yesterday did not meet today, and today would never meet tomorrow.  So that the past was separate from the present, which never saw the future.  So that time was just an instance, and with no precedent or future, just the present and thus never a timeline.  Each instant alone, disjointed, not connected; lost when it passed, finished for now because I have lived it.

Living instant by instant.  Day by day.  Deciding by not deciding, since the instant required no decision. 

Being stubborn where it made no sense and making nonsense of sense.  Flowing with the crowd, so as never having to pause, reflect or decide.  Flowing with the crowd, even when it made no sense.

Recently at the end of a conversation someone asked me, what I wish I could have done differently in my life.  I answered that “I should have stood up for me.  At such and such a time, I should have stood up for myself.” 

Later I wonder, if at that time, just that one time, if I had known that I could stand up for myself would I have stood up for myself.

I wonder why I did not know that I could stand up for myself.  I wonder why even without knowing that I could have stood up for myself, why I did not just instinctively stand up for me.  I wonder how many “stands” I could have taken, but never took.

I wonder if I stand up for me now, will all the times I never stood up for me come back.  Be made up by just one stand now.  One major stand.  Or even a small stand.

What if the stand is not today, but sometime in the future?  Will all the ones I never take between now and that future stand, be brought back by that future stand?

Will one stand make up for all the times, I never stood up for me?

Were there people who knew that a stand for me was needed?  Just one stand for me, and never took it for me.  Or maybe they too did not know that a stand on my behalf would have worked just as well.

Much much later, I ask a person who could have taken a stand for me, why they never did.  And they say that they did for me what they knew best, that they did not know any other way of doing things.  That they did not know they could take any stand.

I understand two things – one you cannot do what you do not know, and two, that you cannot take a stand for another, if you have never taken one for yourself.

Anyway – I now take stands (grinning).  All the time.  I stand for this.  And I stand for that.  And I hope that all the lost years, the fogged up years will be made up and be like they were never lost.  Will be repaid, and not be lost anymore.  Will become my unlost years.

A wall of fog
Inside my head
Shutting out
The words I said
Closing off my
Fragile voice
So I have no
Other choice
A wall of fog
Upon my tounge
Ringing like
A bell been rung
Covering up my
Every word
So my screams
Can not be heard
A wall of fog
A circling band
But there's a crack
Upon my hand
So I can write
Where I'm at
Against the fog
I can fight back  
Anonymous Ghurl, http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/a-wall-of-fog/
image from www.nevermindthemanager.com

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Today I am purposed to be happy

Joel Osteen in his book Every Day a Friday, says that happiness “depends on how my mind is arranged. Happiness is something you decide ahead of time."  When you get up every day, “happiness is a choice.  You can choose what kind of day you want to have. You can choose to be in a good mood, or you can choose to be in a bad mood.”

Today I have purposed to be happy. Today I am happy.

Tomorrow I have purposed to be happy.  Tomorrow I will be happy.

Macraps dot net may come my way.  But it will not take away my happy.

I have a choice and I surely have made it.  No one or anything can take away my happy.  Nothing.  Nobody.  Happy is a decision I have made.  It is independent of what I am doing or what happens to me.  It is independent of what is said to me or what is done to me.

I once read about a man who was in prison but free and at peace.  I do not remember if he was happy.  I wondered how one could be imprisoned but free and at peace.  I really did.  I just could not get it.  At all. Free happy and at peace in jail.  How now?

Over time, and though experiences, and most of all - a rising in self awareness I have come to realise that my mind, my choices and my beliefs have a larger impact on me, than what happens to me or is said to me.  I know how I can be free, at peace and happy even when locked up – because no one can lock up my mind, unless I allow you to do it.  I have to decide that you can lock up my mind.

In The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, Sharma says that the first step to being happy is to be aware of your thoughts especially the uninspiring ones.  And just as easily as they come into your mind, you have an ability to replace them.  Change the gloomy thoughts with cheerful ones.  Concentrate he says on being cheerful and energetic.  Feel you are happy.  Train the power of your mind on positive thoughts.

Nowadays I find it difficult to do this – change the negative thoughts into positive ones.  Which is good.  Because initially when I started this self mind training, it was impossible for me to remove any negative thought that took hold of my mind.  I just could not do it.

I know now that I do not smile and laugh and chat merrily away because I am happy.  I smile, laugh and chat to be happy.  And what I also know, as I purpose to be happy, is that happiness cannot come without self awareness.  Awareness of my thoughts and actions, and those of others around me.  An awareness that somehow leads to happiness via peace?

It is a struggle to be happy sometimes.  Especially when I am in dire desperate straits - imagined or real.  And full of despair.  In my mind, the opposite of despair and fear is peace.  And that’s a good quest, ain’it?  Total inner peace, irrespective of any high or low.
Happy face!
If it is peace you want, seek to change yourself, not other people.  It is easier to protect your feet with slippers than to carpet the whole of the earth.  Anthony De Mello  http://www.demellospirituality.com/

images from