Thursday, 19 March 2015

Of panty lines and such other

Truth be told, as one woman to another, your panty line cutting across your baytock is not a pleasant sight.  True story.  And no, I am not jealous.  Truly, I really do not care that you have a big bum.  And yes, my backside is minuscule, a peanut of a derriere.  I am not well endowed in my nether regions.  And still I am not jealous.

Lets talk about us, the small haunched women.  As the world goes gaga over the well endowed grogan ciandas, we too have drooled [in an appreciation of God’s creation kind of way and not on a sexual orientation manner], coveted those mahagas.  We have each come to the realisations that, “my fundamentals is small ya?”  We have told ourselves that “not all good things come in big packages” and “small is good too”.  And with that admission has come acceptance and soon an appreciation for our pint sized rear  

My bottom is small.  And to add injury to insult, it has a bad shape.  It has dents on the side.  And these dents lend greatly and add to the saddlebag effect.  Yes saddlebags.  Body saddlebags.  Which means that I cannot wear these things called bodycons and pencil skirt for all the bulges and dents would be highlighted.

There are things that can be done to improve my perceived pathetic back end scenario.  There are rational intelligent choices.  Not the chicken food eating growing butt stories and merrrd things like that.  

I am a prime candidate for posterior panel beaters.  Some filler her and there.  Suck from this side and pump into this corner.  Plump it up and smooth is down.  But I am scared of unnecessary surgery.  For me, surgery is for cures.  Since my rump is not sick, why operate on it.  

And fate scares me.  Do you know fate?  I think she is jealousy prone.  Plus I know her hind profile is crap.  Fate in anticipation of my fineness, can deal me a bad card and mess me plus my gluteus maximus.  So no - augmentation is not for me.  If it ain’t broke [just dented] don’t fix it.

Which makes me prime clientele for the arse sellers.  No – not those kind, get your mind out of the gutter.  The seller of big grandmother pants with posterior enhancers.   The only problem is they have not done the African nude, the black nude, for the Nubian woman.  The white woman’s definition of nude is not a pleasant look on me.  It looks like those things some pregnant women wear on their legs to keep them ambulatory.  Looks naaasty!  Why isn’t someone doing slimming belts, waist sinchers, bums holders and girdles in black nude? Maybe it is because there are too many shades of black?  I know that the temporary augmenting panty is worn under my clothes, and no one will see it [they should not anyway – they must believe my enhanced posterior is truly me] but I will know about it, and its ‘ugly on me colour” and it will be killing me.  Dingehota! 

So for now, I will embrace my feebly endowed back side and thank he who formed me, that I have a bum, and not a wedge on a horizontal plan.

I digressed.  Back to your panty lines.  Why in hell do you ear panties that cut across your buttock?  Why?   You cannot find panties your size?  Or panties that are built for your shape.  Body shape.  Bum shape.  Whatever.   Just like there is are many many names for the buttock [scroll back up plus down and notice the names used for just one anatomy part] in each language and thus many more for all the languages in the world, so there are different bum shapes.   You cannot find a panty that suits your bumps, dents and the contours of your hiney? 

Somewhere on the internet – googlit – they say “VPLs [visible panty lines] occur at the point where your backside cheeks are intersected by light elastic of the panties. The backside cheeks have little place else to go but to bulge out either side, while the elastic dips in, creating a visibly indented line.  The goal, therefore, is to either avoid creating these indents across your backside or to scoot them down to a part of the cheek where they won’t be visible under a particular garment.” They say you end up with 4 butt cheeks.  Sometimes depending on your size, they be moving in different directions.  How unawesome! And scary.

To add insult to your quartered booty, you proceed to  wear tight clothes.  Because you have been sucked in by the ideologies of the Kenyan crazed kardashianed fashionistas, who by the way have no style and couldn’t crawl their way onto any best dressed list, and who believe that tight is right?  Fact - no woman, with any sense of style wears tight.  Clothes are not a second skin.  Nor are they elastoplasts.  Stuck on so as to follow the contours and pimples of your body like a religion.  Really, they to sit atop of your skin, with space to allow movement and air circulation.  Clothes should fit.  Not squeeze.  Unless its jeans.  That one we can cede. But that’s another story for another day. 

Then your brassier.  You have grown in girth madam.  Your circumference eats into more of the tape measure.  Your breasts too have changed in girth and shape too.  You need to get a bra that fits you.  That cups your breast and holds them.  Contains them.   Please please please a-beg-o, for the love of  us who have to look at you-o, please do not present us with your frontal six breasts. Yes six.  The middle ones, the real ones in the cup, and the strange overflow toward your armpit. It’s unnatural.  And creepy.  And looks horrid.

Front end butchered into six breasts?  Back end quartered? Shape up madam.  Literally.

image from


  1. I looooove your writing!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Thanks Caduh!! And great meeting you. Please give me the link to your blog again?

  2. I have never laughed at an ass as much as I have laughed at your description of yours.. Please next time have a sketch to go with the description .. lol

    1. Haiyeee!! And embarrass myself further? :-)