Thursday, 28 May 2015

Thankful to be me

I am tall, dark and handsome – women can be handsome yes?

I am above average in intelligence, humour and creativity.

I am very emotionally.  I care too much.  I give too much – not the money, don’t have much of that to give, but of myself.

I am trying to kill the bad habits and nurture the good ones.  Grow the right attitudes and build a quality belief system.

I like the good life.  I want to live the good life.  A clear morning view of hills, valleys, lakes; with a hot cup of tangawizi tea, sitting on my patio, as the herds-boys release the gamboling yearlings far off in the distance, etcetera etcetera.  Reversed at sunset by a bottle of warm whitecup or three, nice fryup sizzling, family and friends mingling, thankful for a productive day – or not productive, depending on what my choice was.  I want to have a choice. Of what I will do today, and where I will do it.

I do not know where I am going in my life – but i know i am going where I am meant to be.

I am at a cusp.  Anything can happen.  Everyday is an adventure.  Learning new things.  Doing new things.  Going new places – physically and mentally.  Meeting new people – my constantly renewing self included.

I scare myself.  I do things and think thoughts I never ever ever could have imagined of myself.

I am excruciatingly scared, yet thrilled and thankful to be me right now.

Sunday, 24 May 2015

Long suffering

Long suffering.  I had heard of the phrase before, but recently it made a significant mark on me. It was like I was hearing it for the first time.  I looked it up.  It is ‘having or showing patience in spite of troubles, especially those caused by other people.”

When you suffer for long.  Long.  Loooooong.  Years.  And it seems like it will never end.  You know it will never end.  Long suffering.  From situations and from people.

Trouble and strife.  Worry and woe.  Sorrow and sadness.  Pain and suffering. 

Does it end?  Does it ever end?  Is there a finite to long? Does long ever stop.  Does the suffering cease?

Got questions?org says that in the “Bible, lng is suffering is made up of two Greek words meaning “long” and “temper”; literally, “long-tempered.”  To be longsuffering, then, is to have self-restraint when one is stirred to anger. A longsuffering person does not immediately retaliate or punish; rather, he has a “long fuse” and patiently forbears. Longsuffering is associated with mercy and hope. It does not surrender to circumstances or succumb to trial.
Lord have mercy.  Lord keep us in hope.

image; grace apostolic church blog

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

The in-between heart

You care too much a relative once told me.  You love too hard.  That is not a good place to be, she said.  Because when your heart is in too much, you hurt too much when things go awry.   

It's true.  And when things go awry, I do not practice hate, I do not take up against you.  But I put you away, forget you.  Out of mind.  Not remembered.  At peace.

But what is the opposite?  Not to feel strongly about things?  Not to be passionate?  Not to care that much?

Would that not be akin to not breathing for me? 

Would that not mean going into my dna, manipulating it to change my whole being?

Killing my faith?  Killing my hope?  Killing my love?

I must guard my heart. Put boundaries in place.  Boundaries are good things.  Drawing a line on the acceptable behavior turf is good.  Guarding my heart is good.  Isn’t it?

Of course it is.  But putting people away is sometimes not possible, and sometimes not good.  Which means that sometimes you still have to deal with people who cross these boundaries.  People whom you cannot be warm or hot to.  People you cannot be cold to.  You place them somewhere, there, in between. To paraphrase one of my good friend, “the in-between heart is where you place people you barely know.  It is where you place the friends who did things you couldn't understand – things against you or others.  Things that made you wonder who they were.  Things that made you wonder how they reasoned, how they thought, what kind of data do they have, what information do they analyse.  I do not know that person!”

So to you whom I do not know, and to those that did things I cannot understand, welcome to my in-between heart, where I will bear no hurt.