Monday, 30 October 2017

Woman - Keeping

image from Pinterest
I'm keeping you
My mother
My sister
My daughter

We are together
Not just for a reason
Or a time
But for life

Pendulum-ing sometimes
In and out of my life
And at each incoming
Is like you were never away
Back to our sameness

You remind me time and time again
That every woman has a story
Characters and instances changing
The struggle is the same
I bear witness to this

I watch you in struggle
Grow into the you I have already seen
And I am glad
I am a part
Of your becoming

I worry about you
When things are not right with you
And wonder if you worry about you too
Or me
Or not

I pray for you
I know you pray for me
Because I get answers
To prayers I have not prayed
Or yet to pray

I love you
No matter what
No matter when
No matter why who where how
Or if

Because of love I forgive
When you have not been kind
When you have not offered a hand
When you have spoken when you should not have
When you have kept your silence when you should not have

You forgive
For real and imagined wrongs
For untended slights
For deliberate hurts
For everything

I call you out
And tell you off
Because I must
For I am your keeper
Like no other

I love you woman.
I may have never told it to you before
Because of my own limitations
Self imposed
Or not

But I am saying it now
I love you
You and you and you
My friend

You woman
You keeper
So long as providence allows
And the God of you and I
Keeps us

Woman – Leaving

image from Twitter
Though I am invested in you
And I know you have done the same
I have had to let you go
Or gone myself

I have to let you go
Your reason is complete
Our stay is ended
Out of my life
And my journey’s space

I have to let you go
You add no value to me now
Or I to you
Our time is off

Looking back sometimes I see
Albeit at times I cannot recognise
The point at which our steps diverged
To allow for singular movement
Without the other

I will keep you in my heart
And once in a while
Pull you out
In nostalgic remembrance
Of the good

The unending conversation
Truest exchanges
The story shared
Deep into the night
And forever lasting phone call

The unbridled laughter
Spontaneous tears
Of our souls
Without reserve

I will remember too
The call placed in times of strife
Never mind the hour
Or the place
And the immediate response

I will remember us
The care
The love
The concern
The presence

I will remember
Of finding out things
That I should not have known
That I was not supposed to have known
That did not appear when we were learning us

The secrets
That you hold for me
That I know for you
That silently repose
Never to be remembered again

I will miss that no one will get some things
Within a word, a look, an occurrence
Because you alone were there
Our private party line

Longing will haunt me
For that synchronic sharing
Of attributes and interests
Innate compatibility
Cosmos simpatico

I always will wonder though
How did it change
How did it end
Did it have to change
Did it have to end

I will wonder too sometimes
If it was equal
If you got from me what I got from you
Or if one of us was short changed
For then or for the future

I will struggle to make meaning
Of your sojourn in my life
Knowing for a while there
It was seemingly all clear
And then not enough

I will wish that we could meet up again
In the future unknown
And go back to before the letting go
To live those moments
Once again

Most of all
I wish you well woman of my heart
For yesterday
And most of all
For our separate today and tomorrow

Woman - Supporting

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You have been a mainstay in my life
In the ups and ups
Downs and still lower downs 
Sometimes abetting

I have to fess up
I haven’t always told the truth
And I wonder if you’ve known
To let it be
Because you already knew

I have lied to you
Undoubtedly in thought
In a looking glance or none at all
By omission in silence and inaction
Deliberately in word and deed

I have lied to you
To shield you from hurt
Or to shield myself
I’ve known not which
Because sometimes the truth would not serve

I have let some lies live
And killed others
When their lyingness was done
Or they were not enough
For the truth was better

I’ve hurt you
By accident
And in shame deliberately
And seen its harm
And I am sorry

I have quarrelled
With you
For you
And for me
Apologised and forgiven

I am glad when you succeed
I applaud
Grateful to be present
To witness in your joy
To share in your achievement

I look to you
Your thoughts and opinions
Are of value to me
Your views and estimations
They matter to me

You give you to me
In time and advice
Action and feat
In times of need
Fears and distress

You seek for what is good for me
Opportunities and ideas
Cheer my schemes
Hold me accountable
Praise me for achievements

You chide me out of doldrums
And hurry me up along
A heave when I need it
Getting me out of a rut
Setting me on to the path again

You tender my failures
Wait for me through my denial
Never an “I told you so”
But educate me the lessons
And what to carry from there with me

Sometimes you are there
Occasionally you are not
Oft times I turn to you
Now and then you seek me out
A constant

Because even in your absence
I know that you hold me up
In prayer
And in hope

What more need I

Woman – Learning

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Your pains
Your sorrows
Your agonies
I’ve been there
I know them

Your joys
Your happiness
Your gladness
And peace
I live them

Your dreams
Your desires
Your wishes
And aspirations
I hope them

Your values and beliefs
What matters most to you
Makes you tick and drives you
In different degrees of instances
Is me

You are me woman
In different degrees
That I do not understand
You are a reflection
Of myself for myself

I recognise you
I identify with you
So similar to me
On the inside
So different on the outside

Still unfamiliar
New twists and nuances
For both of us

Becoming is a process

Woman – Meeting

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It is the first time we meet
We are young
Middle aged or beyond
I see you
And wonder

Or it’s the second time we meet
I used to know you
In my past
We might or might not have been close
But now something just clicks

I watch you woman
As you recognise me
Size me up
And wonder
If I will fit you

I say something
You respond
You speak
I acknowledge
Your spoken

I wonder on your unspoken
Of what lies behind the smile
And the sudden silent stare
Off into the far
Or is it into yourself

We learn each other
I wonder if I shock you
I wonder what you think of me
And decide that whatever it is
It is okay

I wonder what you would say
If you knew my deepest secrets
Or my quietest sorrows
My longings and hopes
For me and mine

You sit with me
In silence and in chatter
In laughter and tears
In flitzy ditzy thoughts
And the serious pensive me

I find you out woman
Who you are
And decide then
That I will go out of my way

To get you into mine

Tuesday, 6 June 2017

My greatest learnings – life coaching
Once upon a time – okay, two years and 4 months ago, I dramatically left formal employment.  I walked out that door, and did not let the door hit me where nature put a crack on my back side.  I walked into a great wilderness of nothingness.  It was to answer the call of my restlessness, my unfulfillement.  It was to search for something that was larger than my current existence.  Because I knew that this - where I was at, was not it and could not be it - the end game for my existence.

I have dived deep into myself.  Faced my struggles.  Examined my pain.  Rejoiced in my gifts.  Awed by my accomplishments.  Accepted powerful me.  I have found out who I am.  I have been holding back from stepping forward and up; by relying on past negative outcomes caused by rejection and refusal of my most ardent hopes and wishes, by those that knew no better.  I have faced my fears.  Of failure, of indecision, of procrastination and inaction – held together by self created comforts of perfectionism and a false sense of modesty.  My past is important.  I celebrate it.  It counts.  It is a signpost that I have moved, I have grown, I have accomplished.  It is a reserve of my learnings to dip into and use to fuel my future.  I am brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous [A return to love, Marriane Williamson] for I am fearfully and wonderfully made [Psalms 139:14].

Now I am resolved and committed to moved out of my comfort zones, with a focus on accepting challenges and opportunities, embracing them in their uncomfortableness, so as to live in my purpose and my vision, which is given to me by the greatest love of my life, my God and my creator. I am affirming my destiny.

Coaching has taken centre stage in the actualisation of my vision in my purpose.  I have with temerity faced my past and boldly acknowledged my current reality.  I have found out who I am.  I have identified my values.  I know where I am going.  No – I am where I am going.  I have been to that mountain top, and I have looked over.  And I have seen my promised vision.  I am already there. 

The joy is in the details.  The planning.  Setting up my goals.  Prioritising them.  Because I am already there. 

The journey is in the joy.  It is easy.  Because I am already there.  

My feet are on the road.  I have the map.  Because I am already there.

I have my daily food.  My rituals.   My exercise, meditation, reflection, powerful questions and most of all, gratitude.  Because I am already there.

I have my life plan.  I know what I am doing.  I am moving.  I am succeeding.  I am winning.  Because I am already there.

Magnificent.  Victorious.  Triumphant.  In my glory.  In my splendour.  Because I am already there.

I am there.

I have learnt how to coach, and been coached.  Two for the price of one.  And for that I am grateful.  Coach, I thank you.  For being real.  For being authentic.  For being available.  For sharing.  I came to learn how to coaching to find out how to pass my messages in my consulting work and to find out how to help people fix their life problems.  In an awesome twist, I have got more than I bargained for.  I am grateful.

I will use my skills, plus my God given skills, abilities and gifts, to do for others what has been done for me.

I commit to looking to coaching to get me success.  I commit to joining like minded people, who are seeking for personal life fulfilment and to making a significant contribution to society.  I know that this day, this moment, every moment, is the moment that I am happy, grateful and contented in all that I am and all that I will be.

I’ve just completed a life coaching course, and one of the requirements - to sufficiently complete the course - was a 500 word reflection on, “My greatest learning’s from the course (including inspirations, insights, understandings, breakthroughs, acknowledgments) and how I am and will apply these into my life, work, and coaching”.

This – up here, is what I turned in – I’ve edited a coupl’a words.

Monday, 1 May 2017

God is good crazy

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‘God is good.’ 
‘All the time’
‘And all the time’
‘Good is good.’

Oft repeated in my presence.  In church.  And other gatherings where believers meet.

One day, my parish priest added, ‘God is crazy’.  There was utter and profound shock amidst the congregants.  There was a smattering of ‘Noooooooo’, from mouths not agape at the thought of a crazy God.  He still says it, once in a while, ‘God is crazy’, laughs heartily, but not once has he ever received a unified response.  I do not know what his expected response is.

I was not shocked.  I thought  - he thinks the same?  Because I confess, I have thought it.  I have.  I have with temerity to thought that God is crazy.  In a good way.  A good kind of crazy way.  Does that exist? And I am not being irreverent.  I am just expressing my inability to understand Him in my little human thinking.

Me thinks this – God decided He was going to make man in his image and likeness, out of love, for He is love.  He did not need us, He did not need me, for He is complete within himself, but still He made me.  High expectations.

We foiled his Plan A of course – man, and I.  We ‘about-turned’ from Him and we were left high and dry, distant from his constant love.  Un-communioned with God.  Dead.

Plan B, was Jesus.  Which makes me wonder, what if Jesus had not fulfilled His part, and He had refused to lay down His life for me?  Could a part of God not do what God wills? Would I ever have been born again in the Spirit of God?

Would Plan C have been activated?  Was there a Plan C?

All I know is, even after all is said and done, I have a yearning in my spirit.  My spirit which is in His image and likeness.  A yearning to return home.   A hope.  Based on faith.  Clinging in trust. On love eternal. 

And that’s that.  So simple  - obviously.  So complex - incomprehensible.  To me at least.  Crazy.  Good crazy. 

Elevation - through the Patmos Experience

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I am reading a book – okay, I have already finished it.  The book is Lifted from the Pit of Brokenness
and Despair, subtitled, A Testimony in Healing and Restoration, by Anastasia Queen.

My mother gave me the book.  She bought it at the prayer session she attended recently.  It is a good book.  Anastasia has dedicated the book to the courageous men, women and children who died in the 1994 Rwanda genocide, but above all, to all the survivors, whose testimonies, though in no way similar to hers, but in many ways - their courage became her courage, their strength became her strength and their hope her hope.  I find that profoundly insightful – the transference and the passing on of the determination and expectation for and of life.

Anastasia tells intimately of her life’s hurt in a relationship, the effect it had on her decisions and actions, the pain and the anguish that she felt, and of the path she took to live again, when God breathed life anew into her.

I have carried away from the book two things.  The ‘Patmos experience’ and the ‘Gethesemane experience’.

Anastasia heard about the ‘Patmos experience’ when she attended a gathering at an Evangelical church in Nairobi, and a pastor preached about it.  He said this about it.  
“Patmos was the island where John was when he wrote the book of Revelation.  The pastor described Patmos as a place that was isolated and lonely.  God allowed John to go through a trying experience that eventually landed him in Patmos.  It was while at Patmos that God gave John a revelation.  He equated this experience of John with experience in our lives where god allows us to through painful situations which leave us isolated and lonely.  We find ourselves in a ‘Patmos’ where He wants to give us a revelation.  Patmos is also a place where we encounter God and we are never the same again.  In Patmos, songs and books are written; out of Patmos comes testimonies and sermons’.“

After I read it, I started wondering about the various stages we go through in our lives, the time in years, the growth and the stagnation, the changes and constancy, the varying seasons.  From personal experience, I have realised that when everything is smooth and calm, I am constant, just there, and not really getting major things done, just dealing with life’s humdrum.  I have found that if there was no pain, struggle or isolation – arising from the trying situations, there is just no significant movement in my life. 

And as I am wondering, I am remembering my oft spoken prayer. “Lord let it count.  Let everything that I go through, let everything that happens to me count.”  I pray this prayer often.  I pray it when I am beset by troubles and strife.  I pray it as I go through them. 

I do not like that I pray this prayer often.  It means that I am often in angst.  Troubled.  Anguished.  I pray it again - Lord let it count.

I pray this prayer also - because I cannot afford to miss what makes each fraught encounter count – for otherwise, I might need to go through it all again, and I really cannot afford that, no way – once is enough I pray.  So Lord, Let it count.

I wonder too if we would get to where we are going, be able to get to where we are going if we had no ‘Patmos experience’.  Do we need that experience to be fruitful, to be able to get into our purpose process? I think we do.  At least for a person such as myself. I have found that my ‘Patmos experiences’ produce the most impactful change in my life.  Going through tying experiences that eventually lead to lonely and isolated place, brings me time and time again to what Anastasia says – encounters with God where revelations come.  Various forms of output.  Resulting in actions, internal growth, encounters, interactions, that lead to impact on my life and that of others – that which I think of as outcomes.

I’ve sometimes thought of my God given life as input, process, output with an outcome at the end of it all.  Organic and iterative.

Inputs; Situations be they calm ordinary and stressful and damaging.  People, the lovelies and the not so lovelies [dare I say nasties].  Relationships with spouse, children, parents, siblings, colleagues and professional peers. Abundance and provision and sometimes lack.  And I.  The person I am. I am an essential input into my own life. 

Process; What I do to go through each moment, each day.  The things I do from moment to moment, day to day, my plan of life.  The work that I do.  The things I do to maintain my life with my creator including  reading His word, praying, fasting, participating in sacraments, reading Christian literature, listening to Christian songs, attending retreats, getting spiritual direction.  The coaching and mentoring I get and also pass along to others.  The process of living and becoming.

Output; My products and services, internal growth – mind, will and emoations, that just get me into the ‘flow of life’ as one of my life coaches calls it.  And the lessons that I carry home with me. 

Outcome; The long term, is living a life focused more on the spirit, with a mission and purpose defined with an ultimate life vision which means I am homeward bound.  The outcome is more than today.  It is birthed continually in all my moments in my journey, collectively leading me to a place larger than a goal, a purpose for my being, my life reason. To my home where my heart is. 

And then as I journey along, processing my life so to speak, come those ‘Patmos experiences’, external and sometimes internal aspects, that turn everything all upside down and on its head, and propel and spiral me to new directions, new experience, new elevations.

The ‘Gethsemane experience’ and its reflection in my life is a story for another day.

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

I’m voting for nonsense!

It is a word.  A noun.


1.  spoken or written words that have no meaning or make no sense.
"he was talking absolute nonsense"
synonyms: rubbish, gibberish, claptrap, balderdash, blarney;
informal:  baloney, rot, moonshine, garbage, jive, tripe, drivel, bilge, bull, guff, bunk, bosh, BS, eyewash, piffle, poppycock, phooey, hooey, malarkey, hokum, twaddle, gobbledygook, codswallop, flapdoodle, hot air
dated;  bunkum, tommyrot
vulgar slang; bullshit, crap, crapola
"that’s a lot of damn nonsense”

2. foolish or unacceptable behavior.
"put a stop to that nonsense, will you?"
synonyms; mischief, naughtiness, bad behaviour, misbehaviour, misconduct, misdemeanour,               pranks, tricks, clowning, buffoonery, funny business
informal; tomfoolery, monkey business, shenanigans, hanky-panky
“she stands no nonsense”

Nonsense.  Or Nanzzenzz in Keyanese.

The word runs unbidden into my head.  

I’m looking at what’s trending on Twitter, reading a politics WhatsApp group, looking at what’s posted on various FaceBook pages and timelines. Party this.  Party that.  Coalition there.  Independent them. 

Nonsense!  Nanzzenzz!

It is deafening nonsensical hopelessness.  At least to me it is - at this point.  The current opposition is tarred with the same brush as the current government. 

And yet soon I will have to choose.  The difference is the same.  Or the same is the difference.  AKA none.  Asking me to make a choice between my being fried on the pan or boiling in the kettle.  Dead.

I’m ready to make a choice.  I’ve registered – how could I not have.  The IEBC crew sometimes us my plastic chairs at my gate as they run their gig.  Tomorrow I think I’ll take them a pitcher of cold water every so often, poor guys, multiple umbrellas but still – it is hot out there.  Pause. Perhaps not. They might then ask for loo privileges.  Or maybe I can charge them 20 bob per trip.  Illegal – no license to run a pay loo.

I’ve registered.  I must to vote.  I have to vote. I am a patriot.  It’s my God given duty.  Sometimes I ask Him why why why did He get me into Kenya?  There were no other souls leaving to other parts un-festering at the time of my conception?

My village caustic tongue would equate my given task of voting to feeding chickens with water with a spoon, playing a guitar for a goat or painting the neighbours mongrel.

Nannzenzz!!  Again across my neural somethings.

I’ve discussed this with others.  Various views.  Sycophant rhetoric spewing unengaged brain coasting on the leaders sniffles and grunts voting for the party – six suit material conversations – probably in cheap polyester.  I’m not going to wake up and waste an iota of my time to look at ballot papers which might as well be empty.  I’m going to write my own name on all ballots and vote for myself.  I will just better go and mark them before they steal in my name.  I’ll vote the lesser evil.

I am not convinced.  All these are not my options.

Who will I vote for?  The MCA that never responded to my email?  The lady rep whose name I do not know?  The Papa Tosh, Mresh wa Nai whose peoples – used to be called the jeshi, I have no clue if they now have a new moniker - spray paint our walls and plaster their run of the mill posters on to our lamp posts and gates in the dead of night.

I think I’ll be the lady who goes to the voting booth and draws sad crying faces on the ballot.  Or pukey faces.  I am fed up to vomit point.

None. And I repeat.  None.  Of the people offering themselves, thrusting their way down my throat [and election campaigns have not yet started –  have they? - shudder my sensibilities], at whichever level,  are worthy of my vote.  At least not nationally.  Or in my locality.  That I have heard off.

I'm looking for radical, no holds barred leadership.  Someone with values, with nothing else but determination, an ethical backbone and doesn't give a crap about anything else but the good of a nation. I'm looking for someone who's not looking for what position does for them, but what they can do for me.  My children.  And our future – mine is definitely shorter than theirs, but I’ll be watching from heaven and living vicariously through them.

I'm looking. And I know I'm not alone.

So meanwhile I am voting for Nanzzenzz - whoever that might be.  I hear their first name is Other.  Or Utter.  


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