Wednesday, 27 December 2017

Life left, Left life

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She is gone
You said her time was up
Her lease expired

She left the day you looked at your past
And told it the cliché
My past does not define me

She left the day you shouted down the urging
That whispered that life was large
That there must be more than this

She left the day you refused to acknowledge
That the past was hurt
And had a hold on you

She left in that instance
And your past became your now
And you embraced it

She left the moment
Your past became your future
And you received it

She left the day you acquiesced yourself
To not seeking
To not healing

The instance
That you died
While you still lived

She did not go softly
She fought and pleaded
But you were determined

You unthreaded her slowly
In action and in deed
From the weft and warp of your being

Piece by piece into the bin
Smaller and smaller she became
Then just a smudge

You dusted off your hand
Glad for a job well done
Thinking this was right for you

That it was the best way forward
The only way you could remain
And live with who you were

You had weighed the two pains
And chose the familiar

You shrunk from looking into you
Fearing self revelation
Would ruin you

You’d chosen blindness to self
For you believed the truth
Wouldn’t set you free

Better to just let it be
Easier on the I
Cheaper too

Change has a high asking price
The charge quoted in pain currency
And you cannot afford it

Better to be here with the familiar
It is not as bad as it looks
And you know how it works

Better to stay here
Master of your shoreline
Than to move to unchartered parts

I’m doing this out of love
For you and all of us
The voice soothes

Lets not recall
Or resolve

There is nothing to reflect on
Learn or gain anyway
The past has no influence

Influence your outlook
Your attitudes
Your perceptions?

Influence your decisions
Your actions
Your relationships?

It happened, it’s done
It ‘s dead, it’s buried

You have today to live
You just live it
You are good

It is not your fault
Things and people
Just happened to you

You just keep moving
You have now to do
And the rest of your nows

The voice tells you
That it is okay
Just keep on

You never question the voice
Never recognise
That it is fear

The urging always responds
A murmur
Up through the fear

Never listened to
Pushed away

You redeem its place to vices
That take control of you
And dim any need for choice

You seek self preservation
Of current status quo
Of yourself and all you hold dear

You choose a treadmill life
Expending effort going nowhere
Seeking nothing gaining nothing

You gave negligence your life
Created undefined frustration
And perpetual dissatisfaction

The niggling
To stop and seek

You suppress it
In fear

You wish it was not too late
To go back

Too late to leap out of the playback loop
Too far along the path of time
Too late

For now
Is singular
Lives alone

And yet the urge
Pushes you options
Defines them

The pain of regret

The pain of change

A choice
Life left
Left life

Monday, 4 December 2017

It’s all about me

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They - the world, keep on telling me, that it is not about me.  That it is about the people in my life, my interactions and relationships.  It’s about others.  That I should view them as more important than I. And that making it all about me is the height of selfishness and egocentricity.

But, I recently had a conversation with someone, and subsequently sat in the audience for a sermon, and the message was the reverse – It is all about me.  My life is about me, my actions are about me, and what I am doing is about me.  It is all about me.

One view point must be right, and the other wrong.  Or could both be right.  A conundrous situation that.  And could there be too, a third prism?  That third part - I am not going to even entertain.

So - two sides, to it.  A coin.  With one side about me, and the other not about me?  Double sided me.  Within the width transverse of me the coin, where is the demarcation between it “being about me”, and it “not being about me”?

Let me think this through.  Others matter – in relation to me.  Which does align to my perception on the order of life; God – Me – Spouse – Child – Family – Others.  Which many have disputed when I have articulated it in to them, but that’s all right.  I don’t seek for agreement in any, let alone all my opinions.  Unless you plan to be a fixture in my life, and then I require you to agree to all my crucial opinions.  And this one, on the order of life - is an important one.  And we are not discussing it or agreeing to disagree.  It’s my way only.

So that part gets a tick on it being all about me.  Me before you.  Me before everyone else.  Apart from God.  It is about me.  What I think.  And what I want.  What I choose.  What I do.  

So if it is all about God, then me, where does that leave others?  Especially those who I know are better persons than me?   I know who I am, what I am.  I am full of vices and iniquities, a far far second to godliness.  My default setting is vice and inequity.  Or so I think.  Wrong is easier, and funner, as my child would say, than virtue and saintliness.  And the fact that there are better people than I, who should rightfully come before me in the greater scheme of things – means I’m in a quandary.  I am not sure how to proceed. 

It all doesn’t sit well with me.  Because somewhere deep within me, I know that the totally selfish and egocentric self is not right.  It is an easy place.  But it is where my mind, will and emotions, ergo my soul, want to stay.  Too easy.  My heart doesn’t like it.  My heart speaks.  Of something bigger, grander, and certainly knows, that what it speaks of is not easy. 

My heart knows, because it is God’s.  Because I am created in the likeness, in the image of God.  I am of His spirit, and my spirit, seeks to return to Him, partake of my share in Him, and not just be me.  Not just be full of me.

Have you ever heard of the anecdote about the jar, filled progressively with first stones, then pebbles, then sand, then water?  At each filling, it appears full, and then after a shake, can still take the subsequent item and the next of a lesser bulk.  I’m full of stones.  Rubbish?  But I think that space can still be found for some pebbles?  Some sand?  Water?  Some good stuff? 

Me – in all my full human stony weakness.  Can be filled with some good stuff?  I know there is room.  I know that the stones can be smothered.  Shrunk? And disappeared?  That I can be turned into a being of strengths and virtues as I get filled up with the love of the Father, with the grace of my Saviour, plus the fellowship of the Holy Spirit?  And I take on a new appearance?  The stones decrease in volume, and the good stuff rises in presence?  In my being?  My thoughts?  And actions?

Then it ceases to become all about me.  And becomes about God in me.  It’s not all about me.

Monday, 30 October 2017

Woman - Keeping

image from Pinterest
I'm keeping you
My mother
My sister
My daughter

We are together
Not just for a reason
Or a time
But for life

Pendulum-ing sometimes
In and out of my life
And at each incoming
Is like you were never away
Back to our sameness

You remind me time and time again
That every woman has a story
Characters and instances changing
The struggle is the same
I bear witness to this

I watch you in struggle
Grow into the you I have already seen
And I am glad
I am a part
Of your becoming

I worry about you
When things are not right with you
And wonder if you worry about you too
Or me
Or not

I pray for you
I know you pray for me
Because I get answers
To prayers I have not prayed
Or yet to pray

I love you
No matter what
No matter when
No matter why who where how
Or if

Because of love I forgive
When you have not been kind
When you have not offered a hand
When you have spoken when you should not have
When you have kept your silence when you should not have

You forgive
For real and imagined wrongs
For untended slights
For deliberate hurts
For everything

I call you out
And tell you off
Because I must
For I am your keeper
Like no other

I love you woman.
I may have never told it to you before
Because of my own limitations
Self imposed
Or not

But I am saying it now
I love you
You and you and you
My friend

You woman
You keeper
So long as providence allows
And the God of you and I
Keeps us

Woman – Leaving

image from Twitter
Though I am invested in you
And I know you have done the same
I have had to let you go
Or gone myself

I have to let you go
Your reason is complete
Our stay is ended
Out of my life
And my journey’s space

I have to let you go
You add no value to me now
Or I to you
Our time is off

Looking back sometimes I see
Albeit at times I cannot recognise
The point at which our steps diverged
To allow for singular movement
Without the other

I will keep you in my heart
And once in a while
Pull you out
In nostalgic remembrance
Of the good

The unending conversation
Truest exchanges
The story shared
Deep into the night
And forever lasting phone call

The unbridled laughter
Spontaneous tears
Of our souls
Without reserve

I will remember too
The call placed in times of strife
Never mind the hour
Or the place
And the immediate response

I will remember us
The care
The love
The concern
The presence

I will remember
Of finding out things
That I should not have known
That I was not supposed to have known
That did not appear when we were learning us

The secrets
That you hold for me
That I know for you
That silently repose
Never to be remembered again

I will miss that no one will get some things
Within a word, a look, an occurrence
Because you alone were there
Our private party line

Longing will haunt me
For that synchronic sharing
Of attributes and interests
Innate compatibility
Cosmos simpatico

I always will wonder though
How did it change
How did it end
Did it have to change
Did it have to end

I will wonder too sometimes
If it was equal
If you got from me what I got from you
Or if one of us was short changed
For then or for the future

I will struggle to make meaning
Of your sojourn in my life
Knowing for a while there
It was seemingly all clear
And then not enough

I will wish that we could meet up again
In the future unknown
And go back to before the letting go
To live those moments
Once again

Most of all
I wish you well woman of my heart
For yesterday
And most of all
For our separate today and tomorrow

Woman - Supporting

image from

You have been a mainstay in my life
In the ups and ups
Downs and still lower downs 
Sometimes abetting

I have to fess up
I haven’t always told the truth
And I wonder if you’ve known
To let it be
Because you already knew

I have lied to you
Undoubtedly in thought
In a looking glance or none at all
By omission in silence and inaction
Deliberately in word and deed

I have lied to you
To shield you from hurt
Or to shield myself
I’ve known not which
Because sometimes the truth would not serve

I have let some lies live
And killed others
When their lyingness was done
Or they were not enough
For the truth was better

I’ve hurt you
By accident
And in shame deliberately
And seen its harm
And I am sorry

I have quarrelled
With you
For you
And for me
Apologised and forgiven

I am glad when you succeed
I applaud
Grateful to be present
To witness in your joy
To share in your achievement

I look to you
Your thoughts and opinions
Are of value to me
Your views and estimations
They matter to me

You give you to me
In time and advice
Action and feat
In times of need
Fears and distress

You seek for what is good for me
Opportunities and ideas
Cheer my schemes
Hold me accountable
Praise me for achievements

You chide me out of doldrums
And hurry me up along
A heave when I need it
Getting me out of a rut
Setting me on to the path again

You tender my failures
Wait for me through my denial
Never an “I told you so”
But educate me the lessons
And what to carry from there with me

Sometimes you are there
Occasionally you are not
Oft times I turn to you
Now and then you seek me out
A constant

Because even in your absence
I know that you hold me up
In prayer
And in hope

What more need I

Woman – Learning

image from
Your pains
Your sorrows
Your agonies
I’ve been there
I know them

Your joys
Your happiness
Your gladness
And peace
I live them

Your dreams
Your desires
Your wishes
And aspirations
I hope them

Your values and beliefs
What matters most to you
Makes you tick and drives you
In different degrees of instances
Is me

You are me woman
In different degrees
That I do not understand
You are a reflection
Of myself for myself

I recognise you
I identify with you
So similar to me
On the inside
So different on the outside

Still unfamiliar
New twists and nuances
For both of us

Becoming is a process

Woman – Meeting

image from
It is the first time we meet
We are young
Middle aged or beyond
I see you
And wonder

Or it’s the second time we meet
I used to know you
In my past
We might or might not have been close
But now something just clicks

I watch you woman
As you recognise me
Size me up
And wonder
If I will fit you

I say something
You respond
You speak
I acknowledge
Your spoken

I wonder on your unspoken
Of what lies behind the smile
And the sudden silent stare
Off into the far
Or is it into yourself

We learn each other
I wonder if I shock you
I wonder what you think of me
And decide that whatever it is
It is okay

I wonder what you would say
If you knew my deepest secrets
Or my quietest sorrows
My longings and hopes
For me and mine

You sit with me
In silence and in chatter
In laughter and tears
In flitzy ditzy thoughts
And the serious pensive me

I find you out woman
Who you are
And decide then
That I will go out of my way

To get you into mine

Tuesday, 6 June 2017

My greatest learnings – life coaching
Once upon a time – okay, two years and 4 months ago, I dramatically left formal employment.  I walked out that door, and did not let the door hit me where nature put a crack on my back side.  I walked into a great wilderness of nothingness.  It was to answer the call of my restlessness, my unfulfillement.  It was to search for something that was larger than my current existence.  Because I knew that this - where I was at, was not it and could not be it - the end game for my existence.

I have dived deep into myself.  Faced my struggles.  Examined my pain.  Rejoiced in my gifts.  Awed by my accomplishments.  Accepted powerful me.  I have found out who I am.  I have been holding back from stepping forward and up; by relying on past negative outcomes caused by rejection and refusal of my most ardent hopes and wishes, by those that knew no better.  I have faced my fears.  Of failure, of indecision, of procrastination and inaction – held together by self created comforts of perfectionism and a false sense of modesty.  My past is important.  I celebrate it.  It counts.  It is a signpost that I have moved, I have grown, I have accomplished.  It is a reserve of my learnings to dip into and use to fuel my future.  I am brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous [A return to love, Marriane Williamson] for I am fearfully and wonderfully made [Psalms 139:14].

Now I am resolved and committed to moved out of my comfort zones, with a focus on accepting challenges and opportunities, embracing them in their uncomfortableness, so as to live in my purpose and my vision, which is given to me by the greatest love of my life, my God and my creator. I am affirming my destiny.

Coaching has taken centre stage in the actualisation of my vision in my purpose.  I have with temerity faced my past and boldly acknowledged my current reality.  I have found out who I am.  I have identified my values.  I know where I am going.  No – I am where I am going.  I have been to that mountain top, and I have looked over.  And I have seen my promised vision.  I am already there. 

The joy is in the details.  The planning.  Setting up my goals.  Prioritising them.  Because I am already there. 

The journey is in the joy.  It is easy.  Because I am already there.  

My feet are on the road.  I have the map.  Because I am already there.

I have my daily food.  My rituals.   My exercise, meditation, reflection, powerful questions and most of all, gratitude.  Because I am already there.

I have my life plan.  I know what I am doing.  I am moving.  I am succeeding.  I am winning.  Because I am already there.

Magnificent.  Victorious.  Triumphant.  In my glory.  In my splendour.  Because I am already there.

I am there.

I have learnt how to coach, and been coached.  Two for the price of one.  And for that I am grateful.  Coach, I thank you.  For being real.  For being authentic.  For being available.  For sharing.  I came to learn how to coaching to find out how to pass my messages in my consulting work and to find out how to help people fix their life problems.  In an awesome twist, I have got more than I bargained for.  I am grateful.

I will use my skills, plus my God given skills, abilities and gifts, to do for others what has been done for me.

I commit to looking to coaching to get me success.  I commit to joining like minded people, who are seeking for personal life fulfilment and to making a significant contribution to society.  I know that this day, this moment, every moment, is the moment that I am happy, grateful and contented in all that I am and all that I will be.

I’ve just completed a life coaching course, and one of the requirements - to sufficiently complete the course - was a 500 word reflection on, “My greatest learning’s from the course (including inspirations, insights, understandings, breakthroughs, acknowledgments) and how I am and will apply these into my life, work, and coaching”.

This – up here, is what I turned in – I’ve edited a coupl’a words.

Monday, 1 May 2017

God is good crazy

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‘God is good.’ 
‘All the time’
‘And all the time’
‘Good is good.’

Oft repeated in my presence.  In church.  And other gatherings where believers meet.

One day, my parish priest added, ‘God is crazy’.  There was utter and profound shock amidst the congregants.  There was a smattering of ‘Noooooooo’, from mouths not agape at the thought of a crazy God.  He still says it, once in a while, ‘God is crazy’, laughs heartily, but not once has he ever received a unified response.  I do not know what his expected response is.

I was not shocked.  I thought  - he thinks the same?  Because I confess, I have thought it.  I have.  I have with temerity to thought that God is crazy.  In a good way.  A good kind of crazy way.  Does that exist? And I am not being irreverent.  I am just expressing my inability to understand Him in my little human thinking.

Me thinks this – God decided He was going to make man in his image and likeness, out of love, for He is love.  He did not need us, He did not need me, for He is complete within himself, but still He made me.  High expectations.

We foiled his Plan A of course – man, and I.  We ‘about-turned’ from Him and we were left high and dry, distant from his constant love.  Un-communioned with God.  Dead.

Plan B, was Jesus.  Which makes me wonder, what if Jesus had not fulfilled His part, and He had refused to lay down His life for me?  Could a part of God not do what God wills? Would I ever have been born again in the Spirit of God?

Would Plan C have been activated?  Was there a Plan C?

All I know is, even after all is said and done, I have a yearning in my spirit.  My spirit which is in His image and likeness.  A yearning to return home.   A hope.  Based on faith.  Clinging in trust. On love eternal. 

And that’s that.  So simple  - obviously.  So complex - incomprehensible.  To me at least.  Crazy.  Good crazy. 

Elevation - through the Patmos Experience

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I am reading a book – okay, I have already finished it.  The book is Lifted from the Pit of Brokenness
and Despair, subtitled, A Testimony in Healing and Restoration, by Anastasia Queen.

My mother gave me the book.  She bought it at the prayer session she attended recently.  It is a good book.  Anastasia has dedicated the book to the courageous men, women and children who died in the 1994 Rwanda genocide, but above all, to all the survivors, whose testimonies, though in no way similar to hers, but in many ways - their courage became her courage, their strength became her strength and their hope her hope.  I find that profoundly insightful – the transference and the passing on of the determination and expectation for and of life.

Anastasia tells intimately of her life’s hurt in a relationship, the effect it had on her decisions and actions, the pain and the anguish that she felt, and of the path she took to live again, when God breathed life anew into her.

I have carried away from the book two things.  The ‘Patmos experience’ and the ‘Gethesemane experience’.

Anastasia heard about the ‘Patmos experience’ when she attended a gathering at an Evangelical church in Nairobi, and a pastor preached about it.  He said this about it.  
“Patmos was the island where John was when he wrote the book of Revelation.  The pastor described Patmos as a place that was isolated and lonely.  God allowed John to go through a trying experience that eventually landed him in Patmos.  It was while at Patmos that God gave John a revelation.  He equated this experience of John with experience in our lives where god allows us to through painful situations which leave us isolated and lonely.  We find ourselves in a ‘Patmos’ where He wants to give us a revelation.  Patmos is also a place where we encounter God and we are never the same again.  In Patmos, songs and books are written; out of Patmos comes testimonies and sermons’.“

After I read it, I started wondering about the various stages we go through in our lives, the time in years, the growth and the stagnation, the changes and constancy, the varying seasons.  From personal experience, I have realised that when everything is smooth and calm, I am constant, just there, and not really getting major things done, just dealing with life’s humdrum.  I have found that if there was no pain, struggle or isolation – arising from the trying situations, there is just no significant movement in my life. 

And as I am wondering, I am remembering my oft spoken prayer. “Lord let it count.  Let everything that I go through, let everything that happens to me count.”  I pray this prayer often.  I pray it when I am beset by troubles and strife.  I pray it as I go through them. 

I do not like that I pray this prayer often.  It means that I am often in angst.  Troubled.  Anguished.  I pray it again - Lord let it count.

I pray this prayer also - because I cannot afford to miss what makes each fraught encounter count – for otherwise, I might need to go through it all again, and I really cannot afford that, no way – once is enough I pray.  So Lord, Let it count.

I wonder too if we would get to where we are going, be able to get to where we are going if we had no ‘Patmos experience’.  Do we need that experience to be fruitful, to be able to get into our purpose process? I think we do.  At least for a person such as myself. I have found that my ‘Patmos experiences’ produce the most impactful change in my life.  Going through tying experiences that eventually lead to lonely and isolated place, brings me time and time again to what Anastasia says – encounters with God where revelations come.  Various forms of output.  Resulting in actions, internal growth, encounters, interactions, that lead to impact on my life and that of others – that which I think of as outcomes.

I’ve sometimes thought of my God given life as input, process, output with an outcome at the end of it all.  Organic and iterative.

Inputs; Situations be they calm ordinary and stressful and damaging.  People, the lovelies and the not so lovelies [dare I say nasties].  Relationships with spouse, children, parents, siblings, colleagues and professional peers. Abundance and provision and sometimes lack.  And I.  The person I am. I am an essential input into my own life. 

Process; What I do to go through each moment, each day.  The things I do from moment to moment, day to day, my plan of life.  The work that I do.  The things I do to maintain my life with my creator including  reading His word, praying, fasting, participating in sacraments, reading Christian literature, listening to Christian songs, attending retreats, getting spiritual direction.  The coaching and mentoring I get and also pass along to others.  The process of living and becoming.

Output; My products and services, internal growth – mind, will and emoations, that just get me into the ‘flow of life’ as one of my life coaches calls it.  And the lessons that I carry home with me. 

Outcome; The long term, is living a life focused more on the spirit, with a mission and purpose defined with an ultimate life vision which means I am homeward bound.  The outcome is more than today.  It is birthed continually in all my moments in my journey, collectively leading me to a place larger than a goal, a purpose for my being, my life reason. To my home where my heart is. 

And then as I journey along, processing my life so to speak, come those ‘Patmos experiences’, external and sometimes internal aspects, that turn everything all upside down and on its head, and propel and spiral me to new directions, new experience, new elevations.

The ‘Gethsemane experience’ and its reflection in my life is a story for another day.