Friday, 11 October 2013

One way to find God - 1

My past
My sin
My infamy


Sickening pain
Acute pain
Heart rending
Gut wrenching
Deep inside


Innards hanging out
Turned inside out


Never ever going to breathe again
Never ever going to rise again
Never ever going to be again
Never ever going to live again

Broken down destroyed
Not a hope
Finished as person

Silent coursing uncontrollable tears
Mucus saturated saliva dripping
Rolling on the ground
Clothes rending dirge-ing

Sickening pain
Thundering pain 
Throbbing me out 
Drumming me out 


In what was my soul
In what was my spirit
A wisp
A beam
A hope
Not lost?

A promise
Strength from without of me
Might from my God

Pressed down but not crushed
Persecuted but not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed

No curse
Yes blessing

Joys that is my strength.

Trade my sorrow
Trade my shame
Lay down trash
Set down baggage
At the feet of my God. 
Not another minute weighed down.

Yes Lord
Yes Lord Yes Yes Lord.

The mourning lasted for moments that feel like all the nights of my life.
The morning of joy is here.
His joy is here. 
His joy that’s going to be my strength. 
Within me
Carrying me
Lifting me.

Yes Lord
Yes Yes Lord.

My shield
My protector

One way to find God!

I'm trading my sorrows
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying them down
For the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down
For the joy of the Lord
We say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
I am pressed but not crushed
Persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond the curse
For His promise will endure
That His joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
We say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
We say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
We say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Trading my sorrows - Darrell Evans

Images from; and

Monday, 7 October 2013

Confabulation, misinformation and disinformation

Joseph ole Lenku, I think is the Kenyan Cabinet Secretary for Interior and Coordination of National Government.  In that respect he has issued statements to Kenyans, regarding the Westgate Mall terror attack. 

I know that he may be thinking that he is also the most misunderstood man in the country right now.   I know this, because I have been where he is right now.  Yes I have.  Not publicly, and not with such a large gallery as his.  But in my own small way – I have been exactly where he is right now.

Ole Lenku must be stopping at every mirror and asking himself, “What is this”?.  I know.  For I have paused at every pane or reflective surface, looked myself in the eye and I wondered, “What in heaven’s name is happening and how did it get to this?”

Ole Lenku is not a bad man.  He is not a dishonest man.  I know this to be true.  I know this because I am like ole Lenku.  You need to understand that I am not a liar.  I am not a wrong doer.  I am not immoral.  Intrinsically, I am not a dreadful person, though neither can you declare me 100% good.  I’m not a saint.  I’m just your average Jane.

Secondly you need to know that I do suffer.  You need to empathise with me.  You need to understand that no matter what you see and how I present myself, I am usually as much in the dark and as confused as you are.  The presence and activity of “dark forces” has often crossed my mind, but I have chosen not to dwell on those thoughts – they would send me round the bend for sure.

To be sincere, I think my woes basically stem from three angles.  I call them cmd (remember the command line prompt – yes let’s get bare to basics) namely, confabulation, misinformation and disinformation.  This is how it happens.

I confabulate.  I give fictitious accounts of past events.  This may be because I have repeated the fiction many times to myself and or others, that I now know it to be true.  I firmly tell you that fact equals fiction and vice versa.  Or it may be to cover a gap or gaps in my memory.  These gaps are not caused by any medical condition or dementia as in most cases of confabulation.  They just exist.  Take my word for it.  Of course I have sought medical help.  The diagnosis is pending.  The doctor I saw says he needs to present my case to a panel of experts or a commission – I forget which.  Nonconfabulatorily, I suppose that’s the end of that.

I misinform.  I give incorrect, false, misleading, inaccurate information.   My misinformation arises from ignorance.  I talk of things I do not understand.  So, if I do not understand of what I talk, how in tarnation do you expect to understand of what I talk?  That stands as sensible truth -don’t you think?

I disinform.  I give information intended to deceive.  I intentionally give incorrect, false, misleading, inaccurate information.  I commit acts of deception in order to convince you of untruths.  I manipulate you at a very rational level.  I either discredit any information conflicting to mine, or give you information supporting my untruth.  Sometimes I mix both tactics.  Chop us a little truth, add to the untruth, stir it all up, add a dash of spiel, simmer it in on media, let it chill and then serve cold.   Never mix truth with passion; that will not work.  I disinform you not!

I am a master cmd.  I am a practicing cmd for the last number of years - give or take a decade.  At work, at home, to the taxi guy, the cobbler, at the club, everywhere.  Right now – I do not know what I am doing or why I am doing it.  I don’t know what I am saying, or why I am saying it.  I know it has something to do with an aim.  The aim though looks like it is never constant.  It changes from time to time, sometimes monthly, sometimes weekly.  And suddenly even hourly.  It’s a bit confusing.  In any case, we always focus on the long term goal, and do not dwell a lot on minuscule details.

Sometimes I think I’m actually being lied to myself.  By someone.  I think that someone is manipulating me.  I cannot quite put my finger on it, but I have a niggling suspicion that there is a “king of cmd” somewhere, who does to me, what I do to you.  How many layers of cmd do you think there are?  Get away from me “dark forces”.  Get out of my mind.  Get off!  Out damn spots.

Sorry – for a moment there I was overwhelmed.  Thank you for listening to me and let me not state in closing that I do not think it proper for you to keep on bringing to my attention any issues discovered prior to today, yet all issues were evaluated during the last session and considered finalised - unless I am wrong.  However, I do agree to have the highlighted issue concluded as soon as possible.

I leave you to some said Ole Lenku-isims, which of course I can vouch to be the truth and nothing but the truth;

  1. All the suspects have been arrested police are looking for them I can confirm, although I am not certain, that we have very good reason to believe that tomorrow is Monday. 
  2. Yes there were 15 to 20 terrorists. 
  3. We managed to capture both of them!  
  4. We killed 5 terrorists, one committed twicide, The other 2 have been blocked by twitter.  
  5. One of the terrorist who was shot dead last week led us today to the hide out of the other 3 suspects.    
  6. KDF didn't steal they just held the valuables hostage   
  7. We recovered 4 bodies from the rubble. 
  8. Forensic investigation will determine whether they are really dead or pretending   
  9. We had control of the building except for 4th floor ,3rd floor and 2nd floor, but I THINK we had control of the building.  
  10. There were 15 terrorists, We killed 3 suspects, building collapsed on 5. All of them are dead. 
  11.  All the terrorists were men except about three women  
  12. Bonus -We managed to kill all the 5 terrorists, they were 15 in number


Bernie LaPlante to son:
"You remember when I said how I was gonna explain about life, buddy?
Well the thing about life is, it gets weird.  
People are always talking ya about truth.  
Everybody always knows what the truth is, like it was toilet paper or somethin', and they got a supply in the closet.  
But what you learn, as you get older, is there ain't no truth.  All there is is bullshit, pardon my vulgarity here.  
Layers of it.  
One layer of bullshit on top of another.  
And what you do in life like when you get older is, you pick the layer of bullshit that you prefer and that's your bullshit, so to speak."
Dusty Hoffman, Hero (1992 film)