not yet punditik

I have not loved myself as I should, because I have loved others more than I love myself. I have not valued my feelings, but have dismissed them. I have not paid attention to my needs, and have put others needs before mine. I have not trusted my opinions, and been sceptical of my decisions, listening to the voices of others. I have been too hard on myself, and too easy for others. I have minimised myself and accommodated others. Have given up my hopes and dreams. And settled. I have been misunderstood. I have been blamed. I have been shamed. And I have been abused. I have been abused, used, lied to and manipulated. I have lost more than I care to count. But I have deposited a bank of experience and knowledge. And through it all, gained intangibly more. For many years I confusedly did the same thing over and over again, with no stoppage of abuse, sinking deeper into uncertainty, despair, disorder, anger and near depression. For many years I focused on u...

But God.  Yes – but for God, it would all be different. And but for Him, I thought I’d come to the end of this series. Apparently I hadn’t! Something told me – the back end, the backend of me.   Not my neither regions, thank you – but my internal operations. The inner workings, internal operations, the core, the backend – things happened there too. Think about it.   You changed.   Changed over the Hurting, had to change really to get through the Hurting like you did.   Think about it. Raging I remember it. High level anger. Item destroying, clothes rending rage. Yes I did – ripped up my Victoria Secrets [what we girls call the evening wear boubou or dirax], and was left starkers, in the middle of my living room. Thankfully I was alone – or not – I was preggers. What a sight. What a fury. I was madzers [read that word recently, had to use it] with more than fury – I do not know if there is a word to describe that level of ferocious I would get to. B...

image from  https://www.goalcast.com/2018/03/29/letting-go-someone-love/ Dear Hurter I let go. I let it go.  I let it all go. I know now that you are not what you say you are.   That you are not what I thought you were.   This knowledge has beat me down.   Tore me up.   It took a while for me to even acknowledge that there was something wrong.   Even longer to accept that that the wrong was here to stay.   And longer still to let go of the wrong. I know that for a while there I refused to believe who you showed me you were.   I tried to hang onto to the expectation of what I thought you were.   I could not, did not want to believe what you showed me was what you really were.   I held onto a hope of what I wanted.   Believing that you were like me, like others around me, that face value was real value.   Initially I suffered befuddlement.   I was confused and bewildered.   I saw the muck....

Dear Hurter image from  https://livelifehappy.com/ I remember. I had a fantasy.   I tried to live it.   Of what we were like.   Of what we could be like.   Of what you were like.   Of what you could be.   My fantasy was love bound.   I wanted to be loved.   For the whole of me.   My beautiful parts.   My ugly parts.   I maybe wanted to be love too much.   Unconditionally.   Because I got told not too long ago – I love too much, care too much.   I would like to let you know that I love you.   Yes I do.   I have loved you moment after moment, for years.   Unreservedly, until the point where my loving you started to kill me.   At that point, the love I have for myself welled up and pushed back at the love I bore for you.   Because unlike my irrational self, my intuitive self knew.   My intuition knew. At some point, my higher self told me this is not right, som...

image from  https://www.legalnomads.com/ Recognition of the Hurting is the first step.  Then recognition of the source – who is the Hurter.  Then of yourself as the Hurted. Study on it.   The Hurted and the Hurter.   And on the Hurting.   Know what it is.   No matter what your mind tells you, believe what you hear, what you see.   You are right.   And once you open yourself to the acceptance, then the learning, you will understand more.   Research.   Amass knowledge.   Knowledge is power.   . Learn the Hurter.   You will be matching them on their knowledge of you.   Look at their behaviour.   Their reactions.   Identify the patterns.   Find out the tactics they use.   Listen and read stories of others who have been hurt.   You will recognised your own life, and what has been happening to you.   What you have sensed was not right will be revealed as not right.   The...