Hurt people hurt others series – 4

Hurt people hurt others series – 4 – Dealing the Hurting

Recognition of the Hurting is the first step. Then recognition of the source – who is the Hurter. Then of yourself as the Hurted.

Study on it. The Hurted and the Hurter. And on the Hurting. Know what it is. No matter what your mind tells you, believe what you hear, what you see. You are right. And once you open yourself to the acceptance, then the learning, you will understand more. Research. Amass knowledge. Knowledge is power. .

Learn the Hurter. You will be matching them on their knowledge of you. Look at their behaviour. Their reactions. Identify the patterns. Find out the tactics they use. Listen and read stories of others who have been hurt. You will recognised your own life, and what has been happening to you. What you have sensed was not right will be revealed as not right. The no sense that is in your life that you have sensed will make sense now. What you spent years wondering about is clear as light. You were right all along.

Begin to be half a beat ahead of the Hurter. To recognise their tactics. And when they will use them. You will know their foot fall, their next step. And with that knowledge will come a power to remove yourself. You will be able to spot potential hurting coming your way. You will be able to predict what the Hurter will do and say in situations. You will actually have their script before they act it or say it. You will feel like a prophet. Because knowledge gets you power.

You will realise as you study, that the Hurter has an immense sense of importance, and needs admiration, adoration, adulation, attention – The As, to regulate and boost this inflation, low sense of self worth and precarious self esteem. You will realise that you have been the fuel provider, an unlimited supply for the Hurter, and that the Hurter is dependant on you, sucks from you, feeds off you, to be who they are. You will realise that you need to cut off the provision and stop fuelling them. Stop the supply.

The best supplies for the Hurter are people like you – inadvertently offered to the Hurter. People who have a large capacity of the good things. Confidence, beauty, wealth, status, intelligence, authority, power, likeability, selflessness, empathy, etcetera. They have used what you are to maintain their supply without fluctuation. You have been their fix, at great cost to yourself. You have been emptied, depleted, run down. Your stores are drained. What you did with the inventory you cannot tell. Count the cost.

As you study, you will be overwrought as you recognise the Hurter in the hurting and the losses in your life. More so as you recognise yourself as the Hurted in your own life. You will be pained by the messes and loses they have brought into your life, from their life. Losses in self worth, relationships, finance, peace and just plain joy and satisfaction in life. Accept your loses – crying never did put back the milk in the glass. But cry. Repent. And forgive yourself, for letting it happen. Unforgivess is a burden. Hard to release, for release is a process, not an event. But put it down. Forgive yourself.

You may be a surprised too as you learn that you could be a co-dependent to the Hurted. Google defines a co-dependent as an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction. This means a people pleasers, never loved before, needing love, loves too much. And you are depending on the Hurted to give you this. Which they did at the beginning, or to reel you back in after a hurting episode. Recognise that your need is still there, and that it is not being met in the right way now. Know that you need to look at what is the source of this need. And deal with it. And that you can live your life without the Hurter And that there are other sources of love in this world. Including yourself. Alone. Alone is not loneliness. Alone is love.

You may not be a co-dependent. Just a normal person, who was going about their life, and did not expect to meet a Hurter. You had not met one before, and did not recognise them. And before you knew it, you were in too deep. Unable to see them for who they really were, in denial and unbelief, you rationalised and projected on the Hurter, who you wanted them to be and not who they really were. It is now time to get real.

Do not be angry. Okay – be angry. Feel the rage. Rage at the loss. Rage. Rage. Rage. Anger is good. It is fuel you will use to turn the pain into what is beneficial and advantageous to you. While you are angry, wallow in regret. Indulge in it. Immense regret. Grief too. Mourn. It is a realisation of loss. You may never recover what you have lost – especially time, but there is time for a new type of life for you. It is time for a new life. It is time for a new you.

Get help on the mental and psychological abuse or even physical abuse you have suffered. Yes – get help. From professionals. Exclude the Hurter. They may want to come for therapy sessions and manage that too, make it about them, define you as the problem. Fool the therapist. You do not need this. Exclude them. This is not about them. It is about you. The healing is for you. Heal your wounds.

Talk. To those who you can talk to. Communicate. To those around you who are not blinded by the Hurter, and who are not their flying monkeys. Flying monkeys are also known as the Hurters minions, entourage, accomplices, enablers, extensions of them and their campaign managers. They are people who have been manipulated to believe the fake persona of the Hurter, and may include your own friends, child, family. Depending on the dexterity of the Hurter, there may be no one left around who would believe you. Find a means and a way to gather information and give it to those who can help and support you. Document each and every encounter. If the Hurter finds out they will probable mock you, or it may put them on their guard – reducing the Hurting, which may be good for you. You will need help. It may become a community endeavour. Get help.

Exposing the truth to the community will have an effect. Either people will believe you. Or they will not. If the Hurter has been private in the hurting, and maintained a facade, a perfect persona for the outside world – most probably no one will believe you. They will wonder why you never said anything before, why everything has looked normal. You dug your own grave as you went along with the hurting. Even when confronted with recordings, the Hurter has the capacity to manipulate people – you made me do it, you know how you are, you pushed me to that point, why do you do this to me, why do you want me to look bad. If you are assertive, loud, bold – woe upon you. This will be used against you by the Hurter as an example of aggression and whatever else they want to label it as. They will play victim. They will be repentant. So sorry you made me do it, pushing me to that point. You in your terribly hurt state – will come off as the bad guy. Even if others do not validate you, even if you begin to wonder if you imagined it, even if the exposure backfires, do not doubt yourself. Yes the non belief will hurt, because the hurting is now a truth that is so real and present to you. You are not crazy. You did not imagine it. The hurting is real. You are sane.

If no one believes you and they give you – oh you are over wrought, maybe tired and stressed, you need a break, just take some time away, a week or two and when you come back, everything will be good and dandy – take a break. The Hurter will be gloating. Violently. Physically. Verbally. You wanted to ruin my name and reputation. I sorted that. I told them the truth. That you are the messed up one. Now they think you are the crazy one, unstable one, over reacting one. I fixed you did I not. Why don’t you shape up. Stop loosing your mind. Take a break. Yes – do take a break.

The people have been fooled. In fact, they are now keeping their eye on you to find out the real you, instead of looking at the Hurter. They may even label you as the Hurter. You who is hurtingis hurt again. This is when you will know who is your friend. Because a friend is a friend no matter what. Keep the critics away. Move away from them. Cut off the people who are not supportive. Let them believe what they want. You do not need people who are tearing you up more, hurting you more. One day the truth will out. It always does. And you will be validated. Though you really do not need anyone’s validation, approval or backing. You just need your own. Validate yourself. You have strength to do that. And yes – your reality is true.

You may not know what option to take – fight or flight - from the frightful mess. But protect yourself. Physically if you have to. Be safe. Move if you have to. Get authorities involved if you have to. Never be near the physically dangerous Hurter. No contact whatsoever. Protect you. Protect yourself.

What the Hurter ever told you – is a lie. You are ugly. You are stupid. You do not understand anything. You are brainwashed. You are wrong. You do not think. You cannot think. You make bad decisions. You cannot make decisions. You are mean. You are selfish. You imagine things. You are losing your mind. You are never available. You are unlikeable. Your family hates you. Your friends tolerate you. You are a bad parent. You cannot run a business. You are an unemployable. You cannot find work. You are a leech. You think you are all that. You think you are better than everyone else. Everyone else is doing better than you. Whatever it was, that you were told. It was all lies. Tell yourself your truth.

Everything demeaning and disrespectful the Hurter ever did to you – was about them, and not about you. Never kept a promise. Never helped when they said they would. Never committed to a course of action. Kept you guessing. Never showed up on time. Spoilt the day and event. Made mocking gestures. Mocking sounds. Ignoring. Dismissive gestures. It was them. It was not you. Keep on telling yourself the truth.

Affirm yourself. For every put down and insult. Write down the truth. In whatever way you can – voice it. To yourself. Talk yourself into your life. Speak life to yourself. Manage your inner dialogue. The stories you tell yourself every day. So that they are uplifting. Do not be blind to your faults – let he who is without sin cast the first stone – but be real. Be real. Differentiate between your actions and who you are. You may have done something foolish, but you are not a fool. You may have done something dangerous, but you are not a danger. Find the strength to know who you really are. Get down to your foundations. Put your bricks in place. Brocken ones. Mended ones. Old ones. New ones. Embrace who you really are, not what you have been told you are. Build your self confidence. Build you. Brick by brick. Build yourself up.

With self knowledge will come awareness of who you are, what you need, what do I expect from others and situations, what is acceptable, what is not acceptable. Boundaries. A wall. That says – this is me. I know who I am. I stop here. You start there. Stay on that side. And please – mean what you say. Never speak if you cannot follow through. Mental toughness is key. Don’t let your boundaries be crossed.

You are the most important person in your life. In the hierarchy of life, you come before everyone else on this earth. You come first. No matter who. Yes – even your spouse, or your child. Remind yourself of this order of life. You owe yourself more than you owe any other person on this earth. Before you love another, you must love yourself. Love yourself. You must love yourself first. And fast. Warts, scars, bumps and all. In self love is self worth. You are loved by you. You are valued by you. You are worth a loooot!!

Put your emotions aside and be rational and logical. Know that the Hurter does not understand this use of rationality and logic. Be stoic in the face of the Hurters emotional outbursts and accusations. Go on repeat mode about the issue. Speak your point as concisely as possible. Repeat one line over and over and over and over and over again. Sound like a fool. Do not get side tracked down by side shows, lies, accusations they bring up to draw you away from the real issue. Do not show your feelings. At all. Be totally neutral, objective and dull. A grey rock. This is a technique that removes you from being the source of supply of the As that the Hurter requires. You become emotionally non-responsive, boring, and virtually act like a rock. Stoic is your new face.

Reject or ignore everything from the Hurter. Accept nothing that is outside of technical life. No gifts, no compliments, no praise, no recognition. In the same way, no insults, no threats, no angry outbursts. For technical issues, minimise verbal communication. Text, email. Or use a third party. You are removing the interaction that is the vehicle for the fix for the Hurter. You are moving on.

You may decide to deflect the Hurters attention from you. This may mean diverting the Hurter’s interest to focus on someone else leaving you free from the Hurting. You may try submission where you accept everything required from you from the Hurter and say yes, and supply them with the praise and compliments they require to fuel their life. You may also try sarcasm and mockery, by exaggerating the comments and actions that the Hurter says or uses for the Hurting, raising contempt which is the opposite of what they require. These means though will require awareness and effort that may be beyond your ability to maintain for a long time. Know what you can do, and cannot do. Do not take on more than you can fulfil. Know your limits.

Remove yourself emotionally from this relationship. Be logical. Look at what you are in clearly. Be honest. Brutally honest. Forget about the good times. Look at the bad times and make sure you see them for what they are – really bad. There is no more magic here. No more magical. It is a bad situation. Rotten situation. Accept fully who this hurtful person is, who the Hurter is. What you see is what they are. What you feel is what they cause. See them for who they really are. Put any expectations of change from them aside. And stop struggling to understand them – you cannot. There is nothing there for you but a source of pain. Stop relying on them. And most of all, stop believing them. They are a human lie. They are a wreck. A derailment. And you are not their casualty any more. You are on the way to unwounded now. It is time to heal.

It takes effort. Because this is not your natural position. Acting like a director in a third rate crappy movie. And you will be learning something that is totally akin to an anathema in you. But you can learn. And the more you learn it, the better you will get. To handle the Hurter. Cope the Hurter.

You may have to become a temporary Hurter. But do not wear it full time. You will have to acknowledge the guilt you feel as you behave anomalously and do things and say things you never would have before. Appreciate the guilt. It shows you that you are not becoming a Hurter, for true Hurters feel no guilt. You are you. You do not play any character. You are real, authentic and what is seen is what you really is. But be careful – they do say that there is a very thin line between loving and hating. Continue loving.

Will you leave? Will you stay? You will ask yourself this question many times. You will imagine the various situations and scenarios many times. Do you leave? Do you stay? You will decide and undecided. Do you leave. Do you stay. What if I stay. What if I leave. What should I do. What will I do. You will know. You will decide what is best for you when it is best for you. When the time comes, providence will know. And you will have no otherwise than to do what destiny provides. You will know what is best for you. You know what is best for you.

If you stay - break up. Unconventionally. This is a kind of leaving too. This requires acceptance of the death of the kind of relationship you wanted, versus what you have now. Redefine for yourself what that break up is, what this new relationship – nay, what this association is, what it’s elements are. It’s about your boundaries. Don’t bother explaining to the Hurter. They don’t get it, will never get it. From now, you will be staging a one man show with a cast of two. Be the star in your own life.

When you leave – either way, or in which ever way you leave, leave for good. Leave the fearing behind with the hurting. Go beyond the healing, the surviving – and live. There is life after the hurting. There is healing and thriving.

Be aware and beware. Be vigilant. The Hurter is powerful. And an expert in both the hurting process, and the sucking you back in process. You may get sucked in, probably will – if you are unvigilant. But recover your position, and learn from your mistakes and failures. The good times will be turned up to unprecedented incredible levels, nuclear bombing explosion levels; your resistance may be annihilated. Prepare your bomb shelter. Arm your battle stations. Whatever that is, wherever that is. Protect your resolve.

Accept that bad things happen to good people. Accept that bad things happened to you. Accept too that the Hurter may appear to suffer. But will never really suffer like you have. Stop investing in revenge and wishing them the suffering that they have caused you. Your ego requires that I hurt you the way you hurt me. Keep it aside. And instead, focus on the healing of you. Let the Hurter be. By focusing on them – their toxicity and negativity, you limit your own healing. Focus on your healing.

Get to the point where you do not care about the Hurter – except for compassion – like you would feel for a starving wounded animal or hungry dirty urchin on the streets. Watch the Hurter’s antics from the side line, like you are part of the crowd at a street corner incident. Look at them in pity. And pray for mercy upon their soul – because hurting is a soul thing. Your focal energy is for you and you alone. This is about you now, and not about them. It is about those who care for you, and aid in your recovery. People who pour into you, people who support you.

Have boundaries. Speak them. And do not make false promises. Never say anything that you do not mean. If you say you will do something, do it. The Hurter does not understand empathy or sympathy, does not respect indecisiveness. Do not make false promises. They only respect firmness, or madness as they will define it. They will push at the boundaries. They will try to break them down. If you fail the first time, set them back up again. Mend them. Be true to you. Be firm in you. Stand your ground. It will be a process, not an event. It will take time – just as the relationship has taken time to get to where it is.

The recovery process. You were hurt. You are vulnerable. You gave your all, to someone unworthy. You trusted them. Gave them the best of you. Which was wrapped up, trashed up and turned into what hurt you. It is incomprehensible and you do not understand what happened. You will run mad trying to solve it – if you did not run mad, or get to the verge of mad already in the middle of the hurting. Be glad that you are sane and alive. Your losing your mind or life would have served no one – for the Hurter would have moved swiftly to the next prey. But you are here now, went over the brink, across the chasm of injury, and came out at the focus of recovery. You didn’t loose yourself. You did not get erased. You got banged up and chipped up. You got broken. And you can mend that. Focus on recovering who you are. Look at your core values, your character, your goals, your passions. It is an internal thing. A journey to yourself. To get back you. The one you, the new you. Focus on recovering you.

Focus on your dependants. Those who have been to the brink with you, crawled the valley floor with you. Give them a help up. Impute in them self love, self support and self conviction. You are a healer not a destroyer. A mender not a breaker. You are whole, so that you can make whole.

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important. ” Was a great quote from the movie “The Help” by Nanny Aibileen Clack. Remember it. You is kind. You is smart. You is important. Don’t let any one of your circumstances speak otherwise. You is kind - you is smart – you is important. You are loved.

Read previous; Hurt people hurt people - series - 3 - The Hurter

References

Stephanie Lyn Coaching, Narcissistic Relationships: When to Leave, Breakup Recovery, Karma!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pdHiVc7rnk

Sam Vaknin, Idealized, Devalued, Dumped, Discarded - Narcissist's Approach-Avoidance Cycles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvEc0ojAWqU

Flying Monkeys (The Narcissist’s Tool for the Smear Campaign) https://medium.com/@OwnYourReality/flying-monkeys-the-narcissists-tool-for-the-smear-campaign-798daf7a59c0

Flying monkeys (popular psychology) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_monkeys_(popular_psychology)

What is the Grey Rock Method? https://www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

Michele Lee Nieves Coaching, Leaving a Narcissist- Biggest & Most Common Mistake, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UOTXsCLVME&t=1s