Recovery Path to Self

I have not loved myself as I should, because I have loved others more than I love myself.

I have not valued my feelings, but have dismissed them.

I have not paid attention to my needs, and have put others needs before mine.

I have not trusted my opinions, and been sceptical of my decisions, listening to the voices of others.

I have been too hard on myself, and too easy for others.

I have minimised myself and accommodated others.

Have given up my hopes and dreams.

And settled.

I have been misunderstood.

I have been blamed.

I have been shamed.

And I have been abused.

I have been abused, used, lied to and manipulated.

I have lost more than I care to count.

But I have deposited a bank of experience and knowledge.

And through it all, gained intangibly more.

For many years I confusedly did the same thing over and over again, with no stoppage of abuse, sinking deeper into uncertainty, despair, disorder, anger and near depression.

For many years I focused on understanding the abuse, the who, the why and the what - the abuser, the source of the abuse and the elements of abuse.

I listened too many times, to many who did not understand the mind of the abuser, who encouraged with no understanding of abuse, rationalised it from their own values, believes and behaviour.

I listened as I was blamed, I must have done something, said something, and was told to look at my abusers behaviour as a mirror, a reflection of some aspect of me.

Then God and serendipity.

And I realised that the focus should have been me all along.

I was the key, to an abuse free life.

I had the key to who I should be.

It has been tiring.

The tired of seeking both sleep and peace, the tired that jars the soul.

But I have reached within me and journeyed the path to my true self.

And I am healing – it is a process, not an event.

I now have abundant compassion for myself and for others.

I respect myself and respect others framed in my boundaries.

I please myself while treating others with love and care.

I like myself.

I worry that I will become selfish.

That I will move into realms of arrogance.

And I seek to live in mindfulness of my present now.

A foundation of awareness, to build a today and tomorrow more worthy than my yesterday.

I am anxious now as I step out, without a process to my purpose.

But I know I have to serve.

I have to help another who thinks they are unworthy.

Or else my pain and struggle will be for nought, and that is not God’s plan.

I have fears, of what people will think, what people will say.

I have unpleasant feelings of shame, of unacceptability and defectiveness all twisting up in me.

But I am resolute.

And I am ready to pour, because my cup is truly running over.

I do not have all the answers - no one does, no one ever will.

But I can listen, and I will hear you.

And if you want, pray for you, with you.

As you seek your answer, your recovery to self, because you are wothy.

If you are in an abusive situation, want to talk, or just to pray, INBOX me.

God’s love.

.....first published on https://www.facebook.com/catherine.muchira/posts/10157604933686074

#ResponseToACall

#TheCallToServe

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