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| image from https://www.goalcast.com/2018/03/29/letting-go-someone-love/ |
Dear Hurter
I let go.
I let it go. I let it all go.
I know now that you are not what you say you are. That you are not what I thought you
were. This knowledge has beat me
down. Tore me up. It took a while for me to even acknowledge
that there was something wrong. Even
longer to accept that that the wrong was here to stay. And longer still to let go of the wrong.
I know that for a while there I refused to believe who you
showed me you were. I tried to hang onto
to the expectation of what I thought you were.
I could not, did not want to believe what you showed me was what you
really were. I held onto a hope of what
I wanted. Believing that you were like
me, like others around me, that face value was real value.
Initially I suffered befuddlement. I was confused and bewildered. I saw the muck. I saw the drama. It made no sense to my rational mind. And that confusion was the problem. It all made no sense. It was all nonsense. Spinning my mind into whirls of incredulous,
sucking any sanity into infinite dubious tragedy. I experience a disconnect between words,
actions and feelings. I felt like I was
in a finished disjointed puzzle. I felt
like my mind had been ploughed up and sowed with crap seed. I watched them germinate into tares and try
to choke me up. I did not
understand. I was tharned, frozen in
terror, caught in your egolight, unable to move. I could not do anything.
I got angry. So so
angry. I felt rage that I cannot
describe. It beat fast and furious. I said words I could not retain nor
comprehend. I did things I could not contain
nor understand. I was frenzied in a
wrath furious. I went to places I never
thought I would have gone. Sometime I went
so far, I never thought I could find the way back.
In my anger I shamed you.
Derided you even. To your
face. Behind your back. And it felt good. Oh it felt so good. I could hurt you too. I relished seeing you hurt. I laughed and mocked. Ignored that which said – don’t do this. I could hurt you too. It felt good.
Oh so good. I am so sorry.
Then the fury dissipated.
And I was left in a void, with a void.
Of emptiness. Without a foothold
or a handhold. Nothing to cling to. But nothing.
I wept. A lifetime of
weeping. I grieved. For you.
For me. For what you could have
been, for what you had taken from me, for what I had lost. Which birthed in me sorrow and regret. They walked together, augmented each
other. And drove me further down than
the confusion and bewilderment had done.
I nearly lost my mind. It was in a
faint. And for a while there, I was not
here. I was physically present, but away. In some remote part of myself.
Help. I looked for
help. All kinds of help. Coaching.
Counselling. Seminars. Workshops.
Encounters. Support groups. But it was all a maze. I got lost in the web of peoples
opinion. You should try this. You should not try this. You should do this. You should not do this. Friends, family, those who serve the
cloth. You polluted some, convinced them
I was the problem, the cock-up, the trouble.
You fixed it, managed it. And
those unconvinced, you ignored and tried to banish from my life. But I found a way out of the labyrinth. And escaped your lurking marauding minotaur arrogance. In shreds, but I found out. I gave up on outside help, and turned the
search inward.
I had eaten all the pain leaf that I could eat. I now hanging onto an internal peace, I span
myself a cocoon. In the cocoon, work
happened. A metamorphosis of a
sort. An internal moulting of
sorts. That started to become apparent
slowly. In stages.
I stopped engaging.
At least on your terms. I stopped
going anywhere with you. I stopped doing
anything with you. I stopped listening
to you. I stopped arguing with you. Most of all – I stopped talking. Or minimised my answers. One sentence.
One word. I retreated. It was self preservation kicking in. An instinctive knowledge that if I did this anymore
I would not be able to get through it, I would not be able to come out sane or
alive. I disengaged.
I realised I would not step into the ring with you
anymore. I had never felt safe with you,
near you. Because there were times I darkly
knew you would kill me. I was going to
stay in my no colour corner, all by myself.
With no opponent, no referee, no rules.
I was going to win, all by my loneself, because the opponent was none
other than myself. I was going to win
unchallenged by you. I was going to live. Annihilation and death by you was averted.
The acceptance of where I am now has been molluscly slow. I know now that my bewilderment, my anger, my
sorrow, my near depression, my seeking labyrinth crawl, my disengagement, was
part of my process. It was to build me
up. To get me to the point of strength
required. It was to lead me to the
realisation that I was not yet half my life old, and would not go through the
next bigger half like the first – repeating the same identifiable thing over
and over again was untenable. Something
had to change. And it did. I changed.
With acceptance came an ability to stand back and look at and
understand where I was. With that, I
sought for peace and calm. Peace is the
opposite of fear – and pain – a place where I had been for a long time. That prayer was my last freedom coming into
work. I prayed for peace. That peace they talk about in the bible, that
peace which surpasses all understanding, the peace of God. In that peace came new life. In it I have found joy. And love.
And a whole lot of other goodies that God had kept for me. I’m still
opening them up, one by one. Will be for
a long while, because they are a lot. I
am grateful.
I looked at our life.
About who I was. About who you
were. About our relationship. I listed the words of what I knew to be what
you did. I listed the words of how you
made me feel. I began to look up the
meanings of the signs and symptoms of what was present in my life. And I found the definition of where I
was. You were a Hurter. And I was the Hurted.
Once I found the labels. I decided I was going to educate
myself on you, us, it. Whatever it
was. I still do understand all of it,
and probably never will. What is
it. But I have continued looking for
answers. I still am. I probably always will.
My learning was inversed.
I’d done the labs first. And was
catching up with the theory. So every
word, every new concept came to an existing practical correlation in my
life. The learning was fast. And exponential. And welcomed.
I found others. Who
understood where I was. And had come out
of the hurt warren before me. Because
those who have not been in it will never understand, will never get it. And they helped my education. They learned me some more.
I started calling you out.
Every time you did something to hurt, I called out the tactic by
name. And ignored what you were
doing. Just focused on the tactic. Put it in plain words to you. And told you why it would no longer work.
I set up my boundaries.
That you dismissed. But the more
you did so, the more they stood firm. I
stood up to you. You laughed to my
face. But I stood. For me, and the others you were hurting. Rationally, I spoke up. Not getting sucked up in the sideshows. Just in rationality. I stood.
My boundary stood. I was unbowed.
I started speaking to those that you were hurting too. I explained it to them. Dissected every incident of hurt that
happened to show how it happened. I gave
honest clear answers to questions asked.
Because I was not going to be implicit in the hurting. I was not going to cover up. I was no longer an accomplice by
silence. I was not going to work with
you in hurting me or others. I was going
to talk about it. And in my talking is
my salvation.
You rejected me completely.
Verbally loudly, physically with distance. Disintegration of the old order. You did not understand and could not
understand. You do not do change, you
cannot do change. Even in others. And I had changed – because of the hurt. You had been the catalyst to my change. And yet you hated the change. It was ironic. Will always remain ironic. I smile when I think on it.
Apart from my own internal restlessness, and a wanting for
more, wishing there was more for me, you forced me from fear. My change happened because I feared where I
was. You forced me into courage. You forced me to go down onto my knees. You forced me to lie down in
supplication. And in that low, I found God. And in Him, found me. And for that – I thank you.
Your own change will not happen because you fear – you fear where
you would go. You fear what you will
know of you. All I can tell you is this,
once you move, fear ends. Maybe you need
a Hurter to help you move from fear.
Grin.
As much as I do not want to, I remember the wonderful parts
of the person that you are. The person
who seemingly would go out of their way to do things for others. The person who was seemingly kind, who was
always there. A human. Human.
I wonder now at the motivation for this person that I knew. Because, now that I see you clearly, you
overwhelm that other person I knew and there could only have been pretence, an
act.
I went into my past and found out many things, but most
important, and in relation to you – how you got me. I have a parent that is a similar kind of
you. Amazingly brilliant, humourous and
respected in public. A Hurter – a
kickboxing, slapping, neck choking, knife welding, hammer throwing, abuse
hurling, unfaithful, drunken – in the confines of the home. I guess by the time I was old enough to see
them, I never knew them other than that way.
So I missed the good part, and thought that they were always like
this. That is why I never recognised you
for what you were, when I met you, in your good persona. I did not know that my first Hurter once had
a facade of goodness.
Coupled with this was my needing to love, to be loved,
because I had not been loved. I gave as
much as I wanted to receive. Unlimited
love. Unconditional love. Because in some strange way, l could not
receive love without giving. It is one
of the biggest burdens I bear. But I
have accepted you are not the one I am to love and the one to love me. I have felt the love of the Father. It is fiery hot, all encompassing and
unlimitedly unconditional. And I take
it. Always.
I wanted to find out what made me be taken in by you. In that process, I studied me. I still am.
I’ve read on and explored my personality type. What makes me tick and what makes me untick. What ravels me and what unravels me. I know my strengths and my character. I know what is good, and what is bad about
me. I have evaluated my value system,
and my beliefs. I know where they came
from, how they have changed with my perceptions and experiences.
I see you true. What
used to hurt, sometimes I now see sometimes as funny, sometimes as drivel,
sometimes inconsequential. I see it and
I step over it, sidestep it, go around it.
Whatever it takes. The hurting is
gone. It’s done. And my real is no longer warped to fit into
your alternative reality for I have worn the battle of unbelief with self. I know who you are. A capricious taker. I am no longer controlled by you. I am no longer manipulated by you. I am no longer exploited by you. You are no longer entitled in my life. You no longer have centre stage in my life.
I see you true. And
see damage. I do not know the trauma
that made you this way – was it pre or post birth. Or were you just made this way. I once learned about a painbody, and thought
of you. They say it is from an
accumulation of painful life experience in your past that, you did not fully
face and accept at the moment they occurred.
You carry this familiar pain. You
nurture this pain. You feed this pain. It has become you. And you do not know who you are outside of
this pain. You attract or create more
pain to become more you. Your identity
is a body that needs pain, creates pain to live off. That is what you are. You are pain, cause pain and live it.
I see you true. And I
pray that I will continue to have enough compassion and mercy for you. My higher self tells me, that you are loved
by God, just as I am loved. And that
this is all part of His plan for you. I
would say that each of us has to search for ourselves within God. In Him one always finds ones worth, and what
one is here for. He always does – if you
ask. And frees from oppression. And heals.
And delivers.
In finding me in God, I found forgiveness. For myself, and for me to give to you. I am in the process of forgiving. There is a lot to forgive. Forgiveness is not an event, though I think I
starting out thinking it was. It will
take a time to forgive you wholly, and hopefully not as long as the full
hurting took. Oh Lord not as long as the
hurting, because that felt like an eternity.
I’m in a hurry to heal. And I
need to move to the next step in healing.
I know it is not linear. I will
probably be backtracking a lot, but that’s fine. It is all fine now.
I am forgiving – not because of you. I am forgiving for me. Because if I do not forgive you, you will
have won, you will have hurted me away. I
know that there is a way, a place that annuls the hurting and rubs it all out. That rescinds it all away. White’d out like it had not existed. I will get there.
I am forgiving. For
the past, the now and the future. Not to
forget, but to remember – so as to never go back there, never to re-experience
it again. Not to unfeel, but to embrace
the emotions when they come, because they will come. Not to disregard, but to consider – so that I
will appreciate where I am now, how far I have come, the path I have
lived. I will forgive – so that it has
not been in vain, so that it serves me.
Now that you know all this – I wonder what you are going to
do? Will you leave me alone. Will you try something new. Will you remain as you are, or do something
about what you are. I wonder. I no longer expect you to change. I do though wish you could change for me, but
I know you will not – we do not change for others, but for ourselves. I wish I had a say in what you will do. But I know I do not. Whatever you choose – do it for you. And not for me. I am already fine.
I am healed. I am
being healed. I will be healed.
Formerly.
The Hurted.
Read previous; Hurt people hurt people - series 5 - Dear Hurter, I remember
References
Sam Vaknin, Victim of Narcissist - Move On, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaVn5IPlUvo
Stephanie Lyn Coaching, Narcissistic Relationships: When to Leave, Breakup
Recovery, Karma! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pdHiVc7rnk&t=1340s
Not yet punditic, Married to a stranger, http://notyetpunditic.blogspot.com/2014/12/married-to-stranger.html
Eckart Tole, Living in Presence With Your Emotional Pain Body, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/living-in-presence-with-y_b_753114
Eckart Tole, Living in Presence With Your Emotional Pain Body, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/living-in-presence-with-y_b_753114
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