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Hurt people hurt people series – 7 – Dear Hurter, I go serve


Dear Hurter
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/14073817556190332/

I go on.  I serve.  I go serve.

I will go on despite my past, despite all the hurting that has happened.  My past does not define me.  It is just a reference point, a starting point.  A point I will not forget.  A point from which I will take measure of my journey.

The hurting was an extreme time.  But the hurting has given me a new life.  With a new understanding of myself – where I am coming from, where I am now, and where I am going.  Where I am coming from is clear.  Where I am now, I will only fully understand from the perspective of the future once I gets here.  Where I am going, only the Lord knows.  I am excited, about where I am going to.  And though I have some level of anxious still in me, but I have said yes Lord, I have answered His call, and do so every day.  My spirit knows His direction, my soul yearns for its reality.

With an understanding of my past, an exploration of me, I now know a lot about me.  I know I do things driven and motivated largely by what is in my internal and my spirit.  But the external still has a hold.  And I acknowledge that, and manage that.  I have cared deeply in some fashion about what people will think and say – but now in some strange unfathomable way, I really do not care.  Okay – a smidgen, but not to be the major influence in my life, and not the deep real part of me.  The superfluous me, will wonder for a while, but I shrug it off and move on.

I still have a lot to learn.  Every so often I surprise myself and wonder – how did I not know that about myself.  And I love it.  New things.  New depths.  New angles.  I can’t wait to meet the whole of me.  One day. 

I try to do good.  I really do.  But I know I still do bad, all by myself [remember the movie?].  Every so often I fulfil my human nature and fail.  Many, many instances.  I battle my human nature every day.  I am flesh still.  I fall and I rise.  I fall and I rise.  And still I rise.  I am a sinner.

Towards moving into the future, I have emptied me.  Or rather, I think God is emptying me.  I have lost a lot – that which I thought I had, and that which I actually had.  That which was good, and that which was bad.  All – had, not had, good, bad – I think it is all being emptied. 

And I am being replenished, because I have agreed to it.  A process of redemption.  I have crept back into my womb.  I am birthing a new me.  I am self parenting now.  I am growing me up.  Self friending me too.  What I have lost I will gain back, plus more.  I have a lot to I get back.  I have a lot of fuelling up to do.  My confidence.  My self esteem.  My expectations.  Of situations and people.  And most of all my hopes and dreams.  It is okay to hope.  It is okay to dream.  It is okay to want better for myself.  I will tell myself that – all day – if I have to.  I know I will have bigger dreams than I had before, because I have been deeper and further, and my reservoir is wider.

My healing did not start with the forgiving.  Every stage that I went through in the hurting and coming out of it [if I have truly left it behind – I do not know], from befuddlement, anger, sorrow, acceptance, forgiveness to emptying and replenishment and the sub-stages in-between, has brought all kinds of healing.  Many healings.  Multiple healings.  Amazing healings.  I do not know what happens next, only that the healing has started, I am being healed and will be healed.  I have prayed for it, sought it.  And the Lord has been merciful and given it to me.  Healing of both my soul and my spirit.  Peace I already have.  Love I found recently.  And I know there is more where I got both.  Because I now call for hope.  And all good things from my God, who owns abundance.

For now, and most of all, I am grateful.  Always grateful.  In all things I am grateful.  For all the steps, I am grateful.  Yes I am grateful for the pain and suffering.  Without it, I would not be who I am now.  They say, who has not drank from the cup does not know how full it is.  I say, who has not drank from the cup has not been helped. 

I want to thank you, my dear Hurter for the gift of suffering that you have given to me.  I’ve been to purgatory already [God do you hear?  I will need a through pass to heaven!].  I used to think of you as the mess – and let’s be honest, I did play a role in that mess.  Now I know you as an ally.  You have propelled my growth.  And my healing.  For that I thank you.

I do know if it is connected to my healing, but I know that for my hurt not to have been in vain, to have fully served its purpose, I have to help others.  Will I help the Hurters like you, those that are not too deep in the hurting zone, the ones who want help.  Will I help the Hurted like me – and we are many, because one Hurters hurts many many many.  I have work to do.  And in my work, will come greater healing for myself.

I now look at you, and I wonder if I was bewitched.  I, who is created in the very image and likeness of Almighty God, was subject to you.  I, who is created by God, and He saw that I was good, was told I was bad.  I, who knows that He knew me before I was formed in my mother’s womb, did not take my knowledge of myself from Him.  I, who knows my value as the apple of His eye, was shown that I was nothing.  I, who knew that He held me in the palm of His hand, felt forsaken.  Must be bewitchment.

I am not who you say I am.  I am who He says I am.  I am no greater or lesser than anyone else, and I am who I am.  He has put in me what I need for my life.  He has given me the ability to be the best of what I am.  He has given me this struggle so that I am be the best of me.  He has given me this instant to see, what I am, what I can be.  Because He is.

From wounded and destroyed.  Because for so long I believed I was not sufficient, not enough.  That I had to be more than I am, do more than I could, so that I could even start to dip my toe into the pool of adequate. 

To healed and restored.  Because I have replaced the old truths borne of hurt and those who did not see me for who I am, to new ones.  I have opened myself up for the goodness and mercy of God, and by his grace I am receiving.  I have opened myself to who He says I am. 

I am magnificent.  I am amazing.  I am assertive.  I am bold.  I am intelligent.  I am creative.  I am talented.  I am loving.  I am kind.  I have compassion.  I own my empathy.  And yes, I am too much.  He made my too muchness for a reason, for a purpose.  He gave me knowledge, wisdom, understanding and discernment.  He gave me other gifts that I acknowledge, and yet do not understand fully their magnitude, and how I should use them, or will use them.  He gave me what I need to live for Him, with Him, in His purpose for me.  And I embrace it.  I am bravery.  I am courage.  I am strength.  Because I have been perfected in Him.  And I am in total and fearful awe of Him.  Blessed be His name. 

I am all that and more, because of the unmerited favour that He loads upon me.  I am moving from the space of lack, to the space of abundant provision in the physical and the spiritual.  I am striving for piety and humility, attentiveness and reactivates to my God, and to be still and patient in Him.  I am seeking constantly – charity, joy, peace, patience, benignity (kindness), goodness, longanimity (forbearance), mildness (gentleness), faith, modesty, continency (self-control), and chastity. 

I do not just say these truths.  I feel them.  They are clear and present in my life.  Because God is blessing me.  He will bless me.  And restore what the enemy and his minions have stolen from me.  All that He has given me, all that He will add, as He sees fit, will suffice for Him to use.  I will be His vessel.  And He will use me.  To serve Him.  And His people.  That is my new truth.  What I believe.

Our labour – God and I – will not be in vain.   It will bear supernatural fruit.  The Lord will build my house and will watch over me. 

I will love my God.  And His people as, as I love myself.  Because He loves me.  Because He first loved me.  My God the King of Glory loves me.  His love will never end.  He has given me life that that will last until the end of time.  This is the ideal that I have suffered for.  It is an ideal that I know is rooted in His eternal love.  It is an ideal implanted within me by God.  He will work all for my good, for the good of His people, and for His glory.  And every time He reminds me of this, I say a yes and an amen. 

I am not young.  Half my life is probably done – probable is wishful thinking, for sure would be more right.  Anyway, I have another near half, a mightier near half to live.  For long, I was hibernated.  For long I clang to dead wood.  It is now the season for pruning, snapping off deadwood, in readiness for me to bud and bloom, to emerge from my chrysalis of expectation.  Because my hope will go on.

A new focus.  Service.


The Servant.

Read next: Hurt people hurt people - sesries - 8 - But God

Read previous; Hurt people hurt people - series - 6 - Dear Hurter, I let go



References
5 Tips for Changing Negative Self Beliefs,  https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-tips-for-changing-negative-self-beliefs/
Changing Core Beliefs, https://www.life-with-confidence.com/changing-core-beliefs.html
What are the 9 Fruits of the Spirit? Defined and Explained, https://www.christianity.com/wiki/holy-spirit/what-are-the-fruits-of-the-spirit.html
Life by the Spirit, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians+5%3A13-22&version=NIV
What Are the Fruit of the Spirit?, https://www.crosswalk.com/faith/spiritual-life/what-are-the-fruit-of-the-spirit.html
Gifts of the Holy Spirit, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+12&version=NIRV
What are the Gifts of the Holy Spirit? Scripture Quotes and Meaning, https://www.christianity.com/god/holy-spirit/what-are-the-seven-gifts-of-the-holy-spirit-scripture-meaning.html
Seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_gifts_of_the_Holy_Spirit

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