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Hurt people hurt people series – 3 – The Hurted

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One day you will get to your first rock bottom.  It will not be the last.  It will be the first in a series of rock bottoms.  You will push off from the bottom.  And surge through the miasma of the Hurting.  You will gasp in a false hope.  And dive back into the pool of thick hurt.  Into a deeper bottom.  With greater pressure.  Over and over again.  Until you reach your last rock bottom.

One day you will grow tired.  Of being tired.  You will give up on the repeat cycle that is your life of hurting.  You will give up on tired and decide to be unwearied of your circumstances.  You will open the tap and start to run the tired out.  You will watch the scum swirl above the outward conduit of the drain.  You will unblock the flotsam that plugs it from time to time.  It will be dirty work.  But you will retain the plunge.  The draining will expose the scum and crud left as the bottom line of your life.

One day you will leave a business meeting and bump into a friend as you get to your car parked alongside a quiet road.  They will ask you how you are, and your response will be a release of deep anguished surging weeping leaning against your car.  As you gasp for breath, you will utter broken sorries.  They will hug you, fish out a tissue and let you cry to fulfilment. 

One day you will get to the counsellors office way ahead of your session time driven by an unfathomable anxiety that needs resolution now.  As you start the session, you will be overwhelmed by such great sorrow, and unable to maintain your seat, you will slide off, lie on the ground, verbally wish death upon yourself.

One day you will be watching a movie on your laptop.  You will be sure that you have watched it before.  But you will not now remember the story line – just a few scenes.  You will watch another movie the next day, sure again that it feels familiar, some scenes you identify, but you will not know the full plot.  You will wonder when you watched it, and where you were.

One day you will meet someone, and they will look familiar.  They will remind you when and where you met, and what you talked about.  You will remember none of it.  And you will wonder how many other people and conversations are out there that you cannot recall.

One day you will be in a scheduled meeting that you have attended a number of times over a series of months.  And you will realise you do not know the names of the people who have been attending the meetings with you.

One day you will realise you nearly lost your mind.  That you were on the verge of a mental death, but somehow you still retained a grasp of your mind.  You will wonder if your current quiet moments are really sane, or did you actually go insane and do not know.  In that nothingness, as you seek the true state of your mind, you will find your mind.

One day you will stop dying a little every day.  Especially the dying dread of what tomorrow brings.  You will decide to live.  You will open the bracket of renewed hope and not close it.  You will breath in the breath of life and not breath it out.  You will see yourself in the light of tomorrow and know that you will get there.

One day you will look at the face of the person walking past you on the street.  You will stare fixedly into the eyes of the person in the car oncoming in the slow traffic.  You will go home and stand in front of the mirror and lift your eyes to meet your eyes.  You will look at you.  You will look for who you knew you were.  You will stare into your face, and see yourself for who you have become.  You will realise that you were not always there in the becoming of who you are now.  And you will know that where you have been, was not where you should have gone.  You will recognise that where you have been has been an abyss that nearly swallowed you.

One day you will become aware of the moment, of the wonder of now, and who you are in that now and be surprised why you never saw it before.  You will marvel at who you are, as you begin to know you again.  You will explore the new places in you that you did not know were there.  You will find depths you did not know you had.  And heights you did not know you could encompass.  And you will look to the new you in wonder and be in awe.

One day you will find you have it.  Whatever that it - is for you.  And you will hold it, and nourish it.  Knowing that it is part of the path that you must tred, that is part of the path that you are becoming, it is a part of you.  You will hold it, and it will energise you, give live to you.  It will be you.

One day the fear of where you are, will become greater than the fear of where you going.  You will know that it will hurt more to stay here, than to go where you should go.  You will start to walk.  You will walk in spirit, soul and body.  All of you.  Where you will be going you do not know, but you will know that it is better and probably will be greater than where you are now. 

One day you will decide to know more about where you have been, the Hurting and the Hurted.  It will be eye opening, mind blowing, self redeeming.  You will find out that you did not imagine it.  You will find out that you were not crazy – then and now.  And you will find that there is a way out.

One day you will define who you are, what you are.  You will define what you can take and cannot take.  You will line them up, secure them down, and they will form a boundary within which you will live, and which will not be crossed.  You will have resolve.

One day you will stop engaging and reacting mindlessly and blindly.  Your buttons will be shielded rigidly and no longer press-able.  You will have deliberate words and actions.  Conscious interactions with clear goals and outcomes levered for you.

One day you will or say something once, or the one thing over and over again regardless of what is being said to you, or done around you.  You will be firm and sure in yourself, and will not be swayed by any stabs thrust into you and your position.

One day you will stay silent.  And your unthinking and undisturbed silence will speak loudly.  You will realise how futile words are and will embrace the fruitful abundance of quiet stillness.

One day the despairing anger driven by frustration, inability to understand what is, will wash off you.  In compassion for yourself, mercy for yourself, you will seek peace.  And a peace that surpasses all understanding will wash over you.

One day you will forgive yourself for allowing what happened to happen.  You will enfold yourself in self love, and affirm a self absolution in purity for what you did, for what you did not do, for what you said, for what you did not say.  And most of all for what you saw, or did not see, and for what you understand now, but did not then.

One day you will realise, that your focus was on survival, one breath and the next breath.  You could not think.  You could not do.  Let alone hope or dream.

One day you will remember that you had dreams.  That you had projects started and unfinished.  You will wonder how and when you packed them away, because you never even noticed.  You will reach into that basked of hope and with an expectation that they did not shrivel up and die, while you were away.  You will bring them into the light one by one.  You will blow away the dust of impossible from them, breath a life into them, outline and form them and start to colour them in.

One day you will lie in the darkness and seek for nothing.  You will exude gratefulness for the journey you never planned to take.  You will say thank you for the distance it has propelled you.  You will thank the Hurter, for without them, you could not have reached into the depths you did into yourself to propel yourself to the heights you are at now.  You would have not cried out in your isolated aloneness to the one you knew was with you all along.

One day you will open your mouth and tell your story again.  On that day, they will believe it.  Unlike the times before when they never heard it.  Because this time, you will not be crying it for help.  You will be telling it from power. 

That day is yet to come.  But it will come.  If you have to live, if you have the will to live, if you have something to live for.  It will come, if you have the will to go beyond living.  It will come, if you have the will to thrive.  The day will come in bits and pieces.  Until the whole day is made.  Until then, pray your God to keep you.  So that the day will fully rise in its whole.  So that the sun will shine on your one day.

Read next; Hurt people hurt people - series - 4 - Dealing the hurting

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Comments

  1. Unknown26 September 2019 at 11:12

    That "one day" has arrived. Thank for you for this write up, it's very motivating and inspiring. Breaking the the silence that was never silent!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Punditik3 December 2023 at 02:20

      You are welcome, and I am glad your one day has come. Keep going.

      Delete

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