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| image from https://www.drugfoundation.org.nz/matters-of-substance/august-2013/hurt-people-hurt-people/ |
“Who hurt you?” is a common question posed sometimes by the
Hurted, as they try to understand the
Hurter.
If you have received hurt – you are the Hurted. If you hurt people – you are the Hurter. And the process is Hurting.
The Hurted somehow, has began to understand that there is
something wrong with the Hurter. It may
be a rhetoric question, or some urge bubbling forth from their
subconscious. They really do not expect
an answer, at this point, but are speaking out their realisation.
“Hurt people hurt people” is more than a clever phrase; it’s
a sad truth. Hurt people hurt others
because they themselves have been hurt. Each one of us has been hurt to one degree or
another. But just as there are as many
remembrances and different descriptions of an event, there will be different
reactions from individuals – even of the same hurt. Some may be beaten down and destroyed by it,
another may run away from it, yet another become stronger because of it, and
yet the Hurter embrace it and copy it.
You may know you have something wrong with you. Sometimes, but very rarely, you will admit
it. When you admit that there is
something wrong, that drives you to be the Hurter, you will most probably
verbally or non verbally articulate that you are not going to look at it. And if it did happen to you back into the
past, according to you – the past is the past and has no bearing on the present
or the future.
You come from your past and will always live in you past, now
and in the future. You have with yourself
always, just like everyone else, the beliefs from your past experiences and
perceptions, that influence your value system, and thus your behaviour.
You suffered. Really
did. In that past. Most probably, in your childhood – which
would not have been a normal happy childhood.
You may have suffered some form of abuse – abandonment, rejection,
verbal or physical, emotional, sexual – or a combination of these forms. Something, somewhere, disrupted your normal
formation, and you got stuck in this behaviour that is abnormal, but is now the
normal for you. The normal so that you
can protect and defend yourself. The
normal that means you will never have to suffer again.
What you a committed Hurter is not ready to do, is explore your
hurt, the internal. You are in the
process of maintaining protection from hurt.
You have suffered enough already and cannot go back to that pain. It would be too much. You cannot bear it. That pain again. You have a means to keep the pain at
bay. To protect yourself. And defend yourself. You are not going back. You see this as being forward looking and
progressive, and going back into the past will not solve anything. You focus on the external things, the now and
the future, and leave the internal which holds the past where you think it
belongs.
This makes you the Hurter fragile. Very fragile.
You are unable to sit in stillness, delve into yourself, think about yourself,
reflect on your thoughts and actions.
No. It would mean a crack. In you.
Or it will mean a crisis. You cannot
do a personal crisis. A breakdown. A collapse of self. You are not dismantling. You are not falling apart. You will protect yourself, because you know
how hard you can break.
You act from this basis of inadequacy. You somehow know you are inadequate. Sometimes that knowledge is unconscious
because you will not admit it. But even
unacknowledged, it still drives your actions.
Creating hurt, perpetuating hurt.
You believe that you are somehow special. This could have been formed by others
behaviour or opinion of yourself, because you may have occupied a special space
in life – for example, a prodigy in some area, a favoured child.
You are entitled. You
know that you are deserving of special treatment and privileges. And will ask for it. If you do not receive it, you will demand for
it. Loudly. Ferociously.
Causing scenes. If that is not
possible, you will seize it, by any means possible.
Image is everything to you the Hurter. You must be presented at all times to others
in your best face. You will try to get
the best of everything that you consider to be part of this image and make sure
that everyone will notice. If they do
not notice, you will call it to their attention. What you have. What you have achieved. You will embroider the tale too – to build a
bigger image.
You suffer from a feeling of immense superiorness, importance,
a need to be admired. This means that
you need attention constantly and in high doses. You need to be seen, acknowledged, revered –
be the centre of your space, any space you come into. You will do anything to get this
attention. And will lap up grandiose
titles and nicknames.
You do not take advice well.
Because of the superiorness, you do not think anyone can be able be able
to have any sensible opinion or suggestion to offer you – unless they are above
you in your calculated hierarchy of importance – and then you will be pandering
to them. Rarely will you acknowledge the
input of others and rarer will you give compliments. There will always be something that could have
been done or said better. There is no
giving you satisfaction.
You do not bear slights well. You are vengeful. Have to put the uppity others who think they
can get one over you in their place. You
will go to great lengths to show them.
They will know that they must keep the order of being in place. And you are at the top of that order. You peck.
And are not pecked.
You do not understand other people’s feelings. You are strangely lacking in empathy and
cannot put yourself in other people’s shoes.
You have an inability, to look at any situation apart from your own
point of view – because who else’s view would matter, apart from your own.
You the Hurter do not have the normal skill set that is used
by others to normally interact socially.
You may learn how to do what others do, copy them, but you will not own
the skill. You will do it to get along
with others to ease your life when you need to.
You wear a mask. You act. And you pretend. To the world.
And most of all to those who you hurt, the Hurted. You will wear this mask until the Hurted is
where they want them to be. And then
your mask, the Hurters mask, will slide off you – for the Hurted. To the rest of the world, you will maintain
this mask and the Hurted will find it very difficult to convince the world
otherwise, who you really are.
You will work to destroy the image the world has of the
Hurted. This will ensure that everyone else dismisses
them, or decides they are delusional, just angry, or need to take a break for a
few days to recoup and get on their even kilter. You will ensure the Hurted remains the focal point and loci for your hurting, under your control, with no outside recourse..
You must always be in control. The Hurter controls. Everything about the Hurted. Or will try to. Their thoughts, their words, their
surroundings, their actions.
Because you must control, you are no respecter of boundaries. You see the Hurted and others under your
control as extensions of yourself. You thus
have a right into their spirit, their soul, their physical. A right into all their circumstances and
spaces. Even financially. You are not able to differentiate the individuals
under your control as independent beings, and their thoughts, feelings and actions
must align to you and you alone, plus the image you need to maintain.
If the Hurted is not near you, is travelling, going away,
even for a short known duration, and will be out of your physical control, you
will control them, by ensuring that there is other non tangible remote method of
control following the Hurted to wherever they are going. You will create specific emotional chaos for
the Hurted to carry with, or will require that the Hurted establish contact
with you at specific times or after a set duration. You may require that phone calls to them are answered
immediately or returned within set minimum minutes. You will ensure that the Hurted only thinks
of you – wherever they are. You do not
care if this thinking is negative or positive – all you require is attention,
and thus implied control. To Hurted –
wherever they are.
You has been known to stalk the Hurted, openly or secretly
to ensure that the Hurted is still in your control. Or to source for more information, knowledge
to be used as against the Hurted, especially should the Hurted slip up in the
back checking conversations with you.
You has no regard for the Hurted’s sense of truth, or any
truth for that matter. Anything is true
according to you, when it requires to be true and will be false in the next
instant if it fits your purpose. Truth
or lie is the same or different whenever you wish it.
Hurters project. Anything
you perceive as inadequate within yourself, you will project onto the
Hurted. Anything unfavourable that you
hear, or think about yourself, you will turn it around and push it onto the
Hurted. You are adept at externalise you
internal anguish and boom it lands on the Hurted. You do not do internal well. Only external.
You will convince yourself that the reality of who the
Hurted is, is false. If the Hurted is a
good person, practically an angel, you will define this as a pretence, and will
declare the Hurted a fake angel, pretending to be good.
You are always good and never bad. Never wrong.
You are never wrong. Ever. And do not admit to any wrong. Ever.
Since solving anything first requires the admission that there is a
problem, and you cannot admit it, there is therefore nothing to solve.
One things is clear too – you never ever ever ever ever take
responsibility for your behaviour. You never
ever. You may in moments of weakness, or
to manipulate and gain points, admit there is a problem, but you will not be
able to sit, reflect, admit, and move toward any meaningful lasting change
–remember you do not do internal. Any
change that will be apparent in you, will be momentary, a mask. And it will slide off again in a short
time.
Sometimes, not immediately, the world comes to see you for
who they are, and may even voice it. You
will rejected and dismiss this view that people have of you. It does not resonate with what you think of yourself,
and thus you will not accept it. Your
sense of who you are, is very different from the true reality, the worlds
reality. You are blind to your true self
and have a false, distorted and unreal image of yourself, linked to ego issues. This allows you to tell yourself that what you
present to the world, is what the world actually sees you as.
Because of this, the Hurter will not usually also go for any
form of counselling or therapy. Because
the reflection of themselves from the encounter is at dissonance with their
created self image. And if you go, you
may lie, you may cheat, you may fool the counsellor or the therapist. You may try to make it all about the faults
of the Hurted, or even the third party.
Never about yourself.
Interventions with you the Hurter will not work too, because
of this. To accept interventions, or
self work, would require a Hurter to go deep inside of themselves to find out
what is wrong. Internal. To do that takes guts. And pain.
And you do not take pain. You are
running away from pain. You are
protecting yourself. Even from
yourself. You can only give pain. Hurt.
You truly are some form of human predator. You have studied humans knowingly or
unknowingly. You know those who are
vulnerable, and have selected them as their prey. You have identified as your prey, the vulnerable,
the Hurted. You know what pleases them, what displeases them,
what make them happy, what annoys them, what gives them joy, and what brings them
sadness. You know what buttons to press
to get the reaction that you need. You know
how to press. You know when to
press. And the sequence to press. You know them. You know your prey. You know what y you need from you the Hurted.
And you get it.
The Hurter is very able and intelligent. With good memory capacity. You need to be to be able to manage the whole
hunting and hurting process. It takes
great skill to get your fix from your prey – which is basically abuse them, and
yet still retain the prey. It takes
great skill to be able to maintain the masks and also to create the image that
must be maintained. Skill and energy.
You are in it for keeps.
You will try as much as possible to keep your Hurted, your source of the
fix, your abusee, with you for ever.
Because it is a long term engagement.
It is your life. As long as you
live, you will need a Hurted with you.
You love. Is it real love? Selfless sacrificial non-compensation seeking
love? Lay down your life love that
requires nothing in return, but the good of another. Can you do anything only for the good of the Hurted? Or do you have an attachment to the provider
of your fix? An addiction driven by the
fix? Jealously, paranoidly and possessively
guarded?
Hurters are scared of being abandoned. Even if the Hurted tries to run away, you
will chase them down. If the Hurted
tells you to leave, you will not leave – you
never ever ever ever want to leave the Hurted. You will try with all that is within your
their capacity not to be discarded.
Because you need the Hurted for your fix.
You are also capable of great rage which may turn into violence,
especially when you are most threatened.
A leaving Hurted is very threatening to you. Your supply for your fix is going. Rage and violence. What will you live off?
If you have young, you create an abnormal childhood for
them. Your young too may suffer
abandonment, rejection, verbal or physical abuse or a combination of all
these. Because that is wht you do. Abuse.
The Hurted who is coparenting with you, may overcompensate in ways
opposite of you. Confusion will be
created for the young. The normal
formation of your young will be disrupted.
They will be pained, damaged. And
will become prime candidates to be the Hurted or the Hurter. They will create the next generation of
Hurters, or Hurted. A vicious cycle of
hurting. As hurt people hurt others.
We do onto others as we have been done onto us. True.
When we are annoyed and want to exact revenge, hurt others, inflict maximum
pain – we act from our own primal feelings.
We find what hurt us the most. We
will take it, and use it to hurt others, assuming that it is what hurts them
most. You the Hurter in some
inexplicable way, does what hurt you most, to hurt others most – so that they
may not hurt you. In your seeking to
protect and defend yourself, you do harm.
You hurt others. Because you are hurt.
What would happen to you the Hurter if you recognised
yourself for what you are? What would
happen if you saw yourself clearly? Do
you ever wish to do that? Do you even
know you can do that? Do you ever wish
to know what compels you to act the way you do?
Do you ever wish stop the abuse?
Read previous; Hurt people hurt people series - 1 - The Hurting
References – in no particular order
Can You Tell Whether a Narcissist Really Loves You? Even
when they say "I love you," can you believe it? https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/toxic-relationships/201807/can-you-tell-whether-narcissist-really-loves-you
Dr. Sandra D.
Wilson https://www.amazon.com/Hurt-People-Healing-Yourself-Relationships/dp/1627074848.
Leslie Morgan Steiner – Why domestic violence victims don't
leave https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave/transcript?language=en
Sam Vaknin. https://www.youtube.com/user/samvaknin
The Sam Vaknin Interview – How Narcissism is formed in a
child genius and the mind https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W89fG8220D8
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