Hurt people hurt people series – 1 – The Hurting

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Hurt people hurt people is actually a title of a book by Dr Sandra Wilson.  She says that it is more

than just a cleaver phrase, that it is a sad truth.  I concur.

If you have received hurt – you are the Hurted.  If you hurt people – you are the Hurter.  And the process is Hurting.

The Hurted may or may not remember when the Hurting started, they may sometimes not know what is going on – all they sense is that there is something not quite right, not quite sane about this whole space and issue, but you cannot put your finger on it – but something is not right.

An innocent conversation about an issue, that sounds, feels, whiffs of an accusation –from you to the Hurter, no matter how gently put, how true it is, will turn into a full fledged word clash that twists and turns, writhes and escapes, ducks and weaves, flees and returns.  It will be like trying to contain the mouths of a multi headed serpent, a hydra headed quarrel of a serpent.  No matter what you try, one head will escape and come at you.  Verbal spit spat shots will land.  Raging ones.  One after the other.  Totally unrelated and with no connection to each other, even though they belong to the same serpent.  You will defend yourself from the volleys.  Mental helter skelter.  Trying.  So trying to make sense.  But you will not.  Because the more convoluted the conversation is, the more confusing it is, the more frustrating it is, the faster you will give up or loose control, and say and do some of the things that you were just accused of. 

When you tell a story – what was said, what was done, sequence of events – according to the Hurter, it is not what happened.  They will tell it differently.  There will be smidgens of your truth, what you know to be truth, but not in the context, sequence you remember it.  If you question – the above hydra headed quarrel of a serpent will be enacted.  You will begin to look for witnesses and collaborators of your version of events, to bear witness to your truth, to what you know to be concretely true.  If they are truly independent, un-intimidated and outside of the target scope of the Hurter, you may be lucky and get away with it this time.  But you will pay for it in the future.  

You will start to find things are moving around and about – by themselves, or even getting lost.  Where you placed your money – it will not be there.  How you placed your spectacles – not how you find them.  Tissues that were on the nightstand are now in the drawer – including the used ones.  At first you will think – am I that forgetful.  Then – is there a poltergeist in the house?  What is going on?

You will begin to doubt your memory.  Yes you will doubt your sanity.  You will think there is something wrong with your memory, with your perceptions, with your reality.  You will start questioning everything.  Even what you are expert in.  To help you, you will start to write things down.  Tell people.  So that you have someone who holds your memories.  Because you do not know when they will be warped again.

They will lie.  The will lie plus exaggerate the lie.  Because they cannot admit to anything that shows them up in a bad light.  Truth will be twisted and turned to suit their purposes. 

They will never apologise.  They will never accept anything is their fault.  Because they have no faults.  They will claim that they only did something wrong because you made them do it.  They will blame you for anything and everything, even when you are nowhere near.  They will be seeking to ensure that you do not do anything, or say anything, or think anything without their consent or permission.

If you point out anything that is not right with Hurter or their situation, you will rue it.  You will get caught up in arguments and quarrels that have no ending and no beginning.  You will receive a bludgeoning that will leave you drained.  At the end of it all, you will apologise.  And be treble wounded.  Once for the initial issue that you brought up, twice for the incomprehensible verbal censure and accusations you received, and thirdly for the apology you do not know why you are making.  It will niggle. 

What you say will be turned against you.  If you tell the Hurter they are being mean – you will be labelled cruel.  If you tell them they are acting in an oppressed manner, you will be labelled demonic.  Repeated and escalated in intensity.  Initially – it will take a while for your words to be turned against you, even years.  But as time progresses, the Hurter will turn your own words against you in a heart beat.

Anything you ever say, so long as it is not fulsome and complimentary to the Hurter will be turned against you.  Compliments will be swallowed whole, and sometimes, just sometimes, the opposite of what you spoke will be used against you.  If you tell them something they did or said was smart, you will be told you think that way, because you are not smart, or even foolish.  If you dare to be assertive and speak your mind no matter how respectfully and peacefully – they will label you aggressive, or even psycho.

They by gesture or words, call attention to something you do or say, in the presence of others to ensure that what you have said or done is noticed, and not in a complimentary manner.  They will be building a narrative to support their explanation of you – according to themselves – to others.  Further discussions on your behaviour, your soundness of mind, will be discussed – away from you.  They will effectively cast aspersions on you, pre-empting your conversation with others about any incident or situation, leaving you isolated and unbelieved. 

Things will be taken out of context and grow legs so many, they will run away faster than your two legs can move, and you will be left with a chemtrail of falsehoods spreading in a circular form from you.  Your friends will not believe you.  Your family will not believe you.  They will think there must be something you are doing or not doing.  There must be something wrong with you.

The Hurter will separate you from friends and family.  Any small issue with a family member, occurrence will be magnified to nasty.  You will be told – they are against you and you have to keep away, they are not nice, they talk about you, they are jealous – anything to isolate you further.

They will separate you from your money.  By hook or by crook.  By scheme or by loan.  You will loose money.  A lot of money. And you will never recover it.  Never.  They will blame you for their financial failures.  You will listen to the tale of what happened.  You will listen to the next big thing.  And you will loose. Your money.  As they say they are doing it all for you. 

You will get insulted.  Sometimes directly or indirectly.  Seemingly innocuously and indirectly – you say – read about it; you will be told – reading brainwashes people.  Or directly – you are ugly, you don’t think, you are worse than so and so. 

If the words do not work, they will use physical violence.  Or the threat of violence.  Sometimes soo subtly you will not be able to actually know if it actually was presented as a threat.  You will though have fear.

They will start focusing on those around you.  Your children.  Your employees.  The security man at the mall – because the Hurter knows you care about how people are treated, and about peoples feelings.  They will drawing you into a trap – speak and get some.

Communication is key in problem solving and maintaining relationships, what they told you works.  Initially you will try to solve situations like normal people.  A civilised conversation, that has facts and details, rights and wrongs, feelings and emotions.  You will talk.  Talk.  Talk.  Talk.  It will not work.  At all. 

You will seek interventions from people.  You will send people to talk to the Hurter.  You will fast.  You will pray.  You will go for counselling.  You will join marriage enrichment groups.  You will seek individual coaching.  You will get group coaching.  The Hurter will even become a life group leader and coache.  None of all this will work.  At all.

You will beg.  You will plead.  You will cry.  You will wail.  Treat me well.  Like a customer you want repeat business from.  For the sake of so and so.  To no avail.  Nothing will change.  If anything, the hurting will increase.

There will be instances of seeming realisation from the Hurter that they are hurting you, and they will change.  And there will be peace.  And there will be love.   And joy.  And happiness.  For a heart beat.  For the very same thing that happened before, will happen again.  You will start to realise that there is a cycle.  And the cycle is draining you. 

You will review your journal.  Where you have been writing the things down.  And you will identify the following;

·         Gaslight – making you think that your perceptions, reality, memory are wrong and inadequate, until you do not know if you are sane or mad.

·         Block you – or go mute.

·         Interrupt you – so that you never can complete a complete thought or idea when you are speaking; your activities.

·         Order you – to do whatever they want, when they want, how they want.

·         Verbally abuse you – to sting and insult.

·         Call you names – because why not – and even normally un-abusive names will be used, but insultingly.

·         Accuse you – of anything and everything that they can get away with.

·         Blame you – for your faults and theirs combined.

·         Shame you – even if it is something that is normal.

·         Criticise you – to show you that you are not all that.

·         Be sarcastic – verbal whips and slicing.

·         Threaten you – directly and indirectly.

·         Rage at you – a highly visible anger temper tantrum.

·         Violence – against you and your property.

·         Invading your privacy –so that you have nothing that is yours.

·         Invade you – mentally, you end up thinking of them and their related issues.

·         Demand from you – over and above your abilities and resources.

·         Oppose you – the first answer is usually ‘No’, even if you say the sun exists.

·         Undermine you – by giving counter instructions to what you gave.

·         Bully you – into doing what they want you to do.

·         Manipulate you – making you do what you did not initially intend to do.

·         Blackmail you – using any means possible including warnings, unwarranted anger, intimidation to create inexplicable fear, feelings of guilt and unnecessary obligations

·         Compete with you – even when it is makes no sense, they must have better, be better, know better

·         Negative contrasts – of you, with themselves or with others around you.

·         Sabotage you – stop or disrupt your plans in ways that you did not even see coming, never be on time for you, but always on time for those they perceive to be higher on their totem pole.

·         Exploit you – money, time, resources and connections.

·         Lie to you and about you – just, and so as not to admit any wrong doing.

·         Withhold from you – anything – food, time, affection, sex.

·         Reject you – verbally and physically.

·         Neglect you – of any needs they need to fulfil.

·         Slander you – to everyone and anyone who will give them and ear, and they think they can manage, including family, friends, church, colleagues, whoever.

·         Financial destruction – loans, borrowing, extortion, theft – anything to drain your finances

·         Isolation – from friends and family, anyone who could be your support system, or identify them and call them out.

They used to say that sticks and stones can hurt you, but word can never hurt you.  They lied.  The Hurter knows they lied.  Words hurt.  They are an unseen torture tool.  They drum onto your skull.  Drop by drop.  Word by word.  Head torture.  It is constant.  It is coming.  It is wearing.  And it hurts. 

Because they are not visible, people who have not been word tortured, do not understand how one can be damaged over time by words.  Studies show that people suffering emotional abuse may stress, anxiety, suffer short term memory loss, inability to process feelings, post traumatic stress disorder, disassociation, and sometimes depression and even ultimately death.

Read Hurt people hurt people -series - 2 - The Hunter

References;

Dr. Sandra D. Wilson https://www.amazon.com/Hurt-People-Healing-Yourself-Relationships/dp/1627074848.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse

https://www.researchgate.net/post/What_are_effects_on_the_brain_with_emotional_abuse

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/effects-of-emotional-abuse