I fired myself

I fired myself because I could not fire the company, the boss or any other employee. I took control of what I could control. I took control of myself. I fired me. Did right by me. Not right for the company. Not right for the boss. Not right for the human resources officer.

I fired myself to do right by me. Because I live with me 24/7. And will never live with the boss, the HR or the company, so help me God. And what is right for them all, can never be right for me.

I fired myself because I asked myself one question. If I were to die today, is this it? This would be the last day of my life? Walking into crap, doing dot, achieving zero, a daily merry go round horror, exhausted in mind and body, tired of machinations and disrespect of individual and sycophants? Meaningless. Fulfilling. Unrewarding.

If I was to die today, would this be how I would have spent my last day on earth? Nooooo! Loud reverberating horror movie kind of NOOOOOOOO! Re-echoing and resounding back into my centre. A dismaying NO!

And I was going to die today. If I stayed there, I was going to die today. Every day another death. Multiple daily deaths. From body and soul illnesses brought about by denial. By refusal to accept reality. That this, this whole scenario, this whole job thing right here, was not working.

I clearly remember my last walk down the long walkway. I did not know it would be my last walk. But I prayed. Deeply. My silent prayer, “Lord, my God, let this be the last time I walk down this walkway. Please. No more of this.”

So I am fired. My dear woman. Fired. Self fired. I fired myself, and will never walk that path again. Nay and doomsayers said, please do not leave until you have another job. Wait and you will get another job. Are you sure you are doing the right thing?

My heart does thud to that beat, for I am fearful. Horrifyingly fearful. But I know that courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to go on amidst the debilitating something that wants to hold you down and freeze your brain. The nay sayer inside and outside of me.

I suffer despair. But have faith. I fly on the wings of faith. Propelled by hope.

I do not know what tomorrow holds. But I know, what that moment held. I had to get out of that room, shut that door behind me, get out into the hallway, and see what other door was open. The door into my purpose. I had to get out, to get into my purpose.

I know deep down down down in my heart, in that corner that I do not go to often, [and i paraphrase from someone] that I am not destined to live a run-of-the-mill life. I know I am not average. I know I am singular. I know that my life is more than just existing on this earth. I know that my life has a very large purpose.

I am a journey of my life. A discovery of who I am. As a human. This core of me, which is genderless, ageless, timeless, is what my journey is all about. And what I, this human has to go through to become what I am to become.

I can take a lot. I can let you step on my head, so long as there is something for my head. That something for my head, that reason. Yes I can let you step on my head for a reason. Because, for everything there is a reason and a season. Reason fulfilled and season ended?

I wonder, could the season be the reason? Could the reason be the season?

Yet sometimes the season is infinite. Larger than our life. And the reason, beyond our imigination and hope. Larger than our life. Is our destiny. A legacy.

Ahoy my new horizon!!

Image from http://pragmaticobotsunite.com
updated 27th Jan 2015

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