Customer service my way

I joined a group on LinkedIn called
Customer Service Champions

And just like other groups, they have these posts. Some are comments. Some are articles. Some are questions.

What one, single work do you believe sums up customer service. I said "love". Other answers were empathy and knowledge.

What are the ingredients of a perfect customer service provider? I thought, and could not find an answer. Three answers given were knowledge, listening, empathy.

Thought - either this group is very boring. Or has very few people.

Which is more important to successful customer service: agent attitude or having the right information and training? I said "attitude"

How do you deal with angry and rude customers?

I started typing. Then I told myself, gona get yourself kicked outa here. Maybe they do not have any haa haa in them. So I picked up my answer and pasted it here.

How do I deal with angry and rude customers? These are some of the things that I do, and maybe, you can pick up some pointers?
Ignore them - at some point they will surely go away
Smile like a gooogooooyaaaaa - from here to Mecca - as you converse. Dumb and dumber will have nothing on you. Soon they get tired of trying to talk to dumbdumb and just melt away.
Give loud. Increasing your volume progressively for each response. This is especially good and effective if the words in the responses are positive, placating, calming, but the volume is loud.
Rude them back. Wait for them to finish, and parrot back their rudeness. Yes ma'am. This is what it feels like madam, to be at the receiving end of your rudeness.
Fight back. Fight fight fight fight. You have a side too and it is right. Give as you good as you get. If its volume - increase yours. If it is swear words - up yours (pun intended) too.

Non disclosure. Even if you have a solution, do not tell the customer. LOL. It is top secret. Known only to yourself. Everybody knows there is no secret between two people - so you cannot tell them, coz then it is not a secret right?
Do not query. Do not ask for details. If any details are given to you by the customer, ignore or forget them immediately. Disregard details. Do not ask for any further details to understand anything. If it feels like you are about to understand something, lock your brain and freeze the thought.
Do not waste one resource to sort out the issue.
Forget. Ask them to repeat exactly what they have said immediately they finish saying it. You have forgotten what they said.
Do not sympathise. Empathy is dead.
Blame the customer. Whatever has happened it is their fault. Find a fault to fix on them. Even how they look and talk. Whatever, just make it their fault.
Have no respect. There are many ways to show disrespect.
Avoid eye contact
Do not understand. Anything. Of what the customer is saying.
Be incredulous. Repeat what they are saying in shock and surprise. Be more shocked and surprised as the story is repeated or deepens.
Be wounded. Take the complaint personally. Really really personally. In whichever manner you need to. And say that you are personally hurt, affronted.
Get agitated
Disintegrate. Burst into tears and run off into the back office

Note that you can use the above in sequence, concurrently, or alliteratively, whatever your customer service oriented self tells you.

Please give feedback on your experiences, if you needs must. I'll be doing one of the above.

Comments

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