Mama’s Ten Commandments

I am the Mama your Mother, who brought you out of my womb, out of the warmth and

security, and into this hard unforgiving world. You shall have no other mama apart from me. Period. No matter if she looks better, dresses better, drives a better car, and allows you to do what you want, when you want. No matter if she gives you lollipops and soda, and no vegetables and fruits. And no matter if your father has (hell freeze over) married her. And in that case you will have no mothers to speak of, since one will be “disappeared” and the other incarcerated. You must adore me and only me, no matter what, no matter when.

You shall not take anything I say in vain. What I say is law. And I am the highest authority in this house. Your father is delusional on the matter, so any consultation with him will not yield any result that will bring peace and tranquility in your life.

Observe the cleaning day, to keep it sacred. Cleanliness is next to godliness. And I am not bringing up dirty unkempt brats who will bring embarrassment to their mother by wearing, or letting their spouses escape the house with holey sockses.

Honor me and your father – and listen to him when he tells you to do the things that I told him to tell you. If he tells you to do anything that is contrary to what I have said, just say “yes” honourably and do what I told you to do. I will deal with him later.

You shall not kill anything in this house. The plates, the glasses, the windows, the toys, the plants or any equipment. They do not belong to you. They belong to me. You just use them or look at them, and should be grateful, I have not imposed hiring charges on you, to be paid out of your future income using a present future value of money I shall arbitrarily calculate.

Neither shall you commit faithlessness – you will have one family and one family only. And your aunties and uncles are your blood relatives and neither our employees or our life’s acquaintances and friends deserve those titles. As for your future in-laws remember that blood is thicker than water and pretense is a good defense. They are not family. Not ours anyway.

Neither shall you steal. Ever. If you steal, I will pinch off your nose and you will pay for the theft for the rest of your life. With a noseless face. And I will still be telling the tale as you cart me off to the old people’s home – if you dare.

Neither shall you bear false witness against your neighbor. Or against me. Or your father. Or your siblings. This includes telling tales. And all crimes against you by your siblings and the world at large are cartegorised as tales. We are neither referees, nor work in the police force or are justices of the peace. Presenting us with cases for arbitration serves no purposes. Paddle your own canoe and let others paddle their own.

Neither shall you covet your neighbour's wife my son (this one is for the future?). Or the husband, in your case my dear madams - since what is good for the goose is now better for the gander or vice versa. This includes coveting our neighbour's family - this is for now and the future. This is the family that was ordained for you and you had no choice, and still have none on the matter. You cannot be reborn – at least physically, into a different circumstance. Your parents, sister and your brothers are the burdens you have to bear. This will lead you to either damnation when you “eliminate” them, or sanctity if you accept them. They will forever be a pain and a source of embarrassment and humiliation. Live with it.

You shall not desire anything that is your neighbor's. Their 20 speed bicycles with things called profiles are no better than your tricycle. And there is nothing wrong with a ten year old on a tricycle. Demonstrates thrift. The aim is to cycle yes? And you better believe that. Because I said it. Remember - I am your mother and I am always right, unless I am wrong. And I am never wrong, because I said that. Your father is slowly beginning to realise this, which will add to his days.

image from https://gracesreceived.com/

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